In the world of Christian thought on marriage, two main viewpoints seem to be perpetuated: the first, that marriage is the end-all be-all of Christian life and is a perfect holy union sanctified by God. Many of my friends and people I have encountered at Houghton hold this opinion. They did not come to Houghton for the sole purpose of finding a spouse, but they do fervently believe that marriage and procreation is the best possible way to live out God’s purpose in their lives, and that not fulfilling this duty somehow falls ever-so-slightly short of Christian perfection. The second viewpoint runs along the lines of, “Really, folks, it is okay to be single.” Not better, not even great, just “okay.” As in, don’t worry if you have completely failed at finding “the one” God has for you, He can still use you even if you are lonely and alone. I mean, hey, Paul was single!
Yes, Paul was single, and he had an awful lot to say on the subject as well. In 1 Corinthians 7:38, he writes, “So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.” Keyword here: better. In Paul’s mind, avoiding marriage is the ultimate goal, and only by staying single can God’s plans best play themselves out in your life. Jesus seemed to share the same opinion. When the disciples asked him if it was indeed better not to marry, He replied in Matthew 19:12, “The one who can accept this should accept it.” And, in Luke 20:35, He explains, “But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage.” Marriage is an earthly tradition, a vice. It is not “like the angels.”
So where does this leave those of us who would still view marriage as beautiful and special representation of Christ’s relationship with the Church? Certainly there is scriptural evidence for this way of thought as well. Often the body of believers is described as a bride being received by Christ at the resurrection, and in Song of Solomon the bedchamber is described as being blessed by God and His presence is with the bride and groom. What it means to have a committed marriage that is spiritually healthy and focused on God is also outlined clearly in the Bible. Paul himself describes what a Christian marriage should look like, instructing in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” Likewise Jesus speaks to the permanence of marriage in Matthew 19:6, saying, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” There is nothing wrong with marriage, and those who do marry have specific guidelines to follow when it comes to forming their relationship in accordance with God’s will.
However, Paul’s instructions are followed by a stipulation. In 1 Corinthians 7:6-7 & 9, he adds, “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. … But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” In other words, marriage is the lesser of two evils. It is the exception, not the rule. There is no “one” that God has chosen for you to marry, because God does not even really want you to get married. If you absolutely cannot help yourself and you must get married in order to keep from sinning though, it is okay. God will make an allowance for you.
If I am coming off a bit harsh, do not worry. I do not think, as it may appear in the last couple paragraphs, that marriage is the devil. As Jesus concedes in Luke 20:34, “The people of this age marry and are given marriage.” It is simply a fact of life, and within that fact, I believe that Christian relationships have the power to do good work for the Lord. I myself am engaged to be married. In my life I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by shining examples of strong Christian marriages. However, I do think that we need to seriously reconsider the ways in which we typically treat marriage within the Church.
To begin with, there is no evidence in scripture that marriage should in any way be one of the main goals of a person’s life. Pressure on young people to find the one God has intended for them is common in Christian circles. The result is a fevered rat race of young adults trying to figure out who to marry, taking dating relationships far too seriously, rushing into marriage, and feeling inadequate if unable to find a mate. Divorce rates are high, due in part to an increasingly relaxed stance on commitment and divorce, but also due to many people feeling that they should get married as soon as possible. Marriage is not intended to be in the forefront of every single person’s mind. Rather, it should be seen as an unnecessary and very serious step, one that only need be taken if one finds a true partner, someone that they cannot possibly live without, and, most importantly, someone who will not distract them from doing the work of the Lord, but instead be compatible and work with them.
In addition, God is willing to work with our differences and the personalities with which He has blessed us. From the beginning, He has acknowledged our tendency to loneliness, admitting in Genesis 2:18 that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” He is honest about the strengths and weaknesses of His people. As is stated in Matthew 19:8-9, He allowed Moses to permit the people to divorce, “because your hearts were hard,” even though “it was not this way from the beginning,” and in then Jesus’ time, He once again did not permit divorce “except for sexual immorality.” What does this openness to the conditions of the time indicate about how we should approach the current discussions that the Church is engaged in, such as the rights of homosexual and transgendered people?
There are numerous issues that could stand being revisited when it comes to what the Bible says about marriage, and we are not always going to agree on all of them. But if we are honest about the faults in our worldviews, we can read scripture with an open mind, communicate with one another, and perhaps make some improvements in the way we treat those we have previously marginalized.