Being Queer at Houghton: Sally Murphy ’11

When I was a kid I was known for a few things- crazy hairstyles , my buck teeth I shot water through, and the fact that I never had a crush on any boys at school. Famously at every sleep over- my friends and I giddy with sugar and the freedoms of a late night- we would play truth or dare, never have I ever and eventually settle solidly on the topic of the cutest boys in school. In earlier days I was asked and I smirked and shrugged- even the most popular didn’t interest me. Eventually they stopped even trying, Sally simply didn’t like any boys.

What I didn’t know at the time was that Sally just didn’t like boys…at all. And quite frankly, Sally still doesn’t.

I am lucky honestly. I am lucky that I grew up going to a school that didn’t put  too much stock in one’s dating or sex life. People did or did not date, there were even a few openly gay kids smattered through my middle and high schools and while I am sure they did not have it 100% easy time of it, most of us never really second guessed it. I didn’t think too much about what made me different because I didn’t have to. At home my parents made it clear that issues of sexuality were not issues. I went to church, but I didn’t feel comfortable there for a myriad  of reasons. It might not have been a safe space, but again- I was not necessarily looking for that.

It wasn’t until college that I began to learn the nuances of being rejected.

It should be noted that I am, in fact, a local kid. I was born in Warsaw, NY and carried home to a house on rt. 19. I moved once in my childhood, when I was 7, to a quiet home next to the president’s house. I loved growing up in a college town. I loved the picnics on the quad every year to welcome back faculty and staff. I loved talking about my parent’s professions with confidence and pride, I loved listening from the railing at home while my parents discussed lofty topics far past my bedtime and I loved seeing the students come in and out of our home and my life leaving behind them a sea of unobtainable fashion and wit. But growing up in Houghton and attending the school are very different. One doesn’t get a full understanding of what it means to be in a Christian place until one must sign a paper to abide by their rules.

I remember reading the community covenant for the first time when I was 17. I don’t remember signing it- but I am sure I did. I think I pretended I didn’t to save myself the shame of feeling that I had somehow broken it.

Because, after all, it was just around that time- entering college- that I knew I was different. And I suspected I was queer.

I won’t go into gritty details of my coming out or the nuances of what I have learned along the way, but I will say it was hard. It was a lot of dark conversations, a lot of reading the Bible  and googling articles about sin and a lot of self-abusing. But one of the things that made it the hardest was the conversation about “practicing homosexuality” or “homosexual behavior.” This made no sense to me. Besides the obvious problem that homosexuality was not a choice, I was ironically constantly being told that I was not committing a sin because I was not acting on it. I was not “practicing it.”

Here is the thing though- I was still gay. I never dated in college, I certainly never had sex and I barely dipped the romantic pot but I was still gay. We talk a lot about homosexuality but little about the romantic or emotional that is intertwined in that. I wondered if I talked to a girl I liked innocently after chapel if that counted. If I fell in love- was that a sin? What about walking next to someone? Doing homework together? Where was this line between me just being me and me being the sinful predator the church had made me out to be? It’s a question that continues to bother me. It’s a question that remains imbedded in the community covenant to this day.  

I am lucky. I had a great college experience. My sexuality has never been the most important part of my being and so though I bear a few scars on my arms I have not had the trial so many of us in the LGBTQ community have had coming out. I have been loved by my family and friends and I enjoyed my time in high school and even college. I love Houghton. I loved growing up there, I loved attending school there, I even loved working there after college. Really- I really  do- just ask me, I will gush for hours.

But recently I was asked if I would return if a position became available. And the answer is, quite frankly, that I could never do that. Not only have I spent the past few years more honestly exploring who I am and understanding how wrong the community covenant is, but I am dating someone and it is  clear that Houghton does not want me.

In my time at Houghton I followed the community covenant really well. I never did drugs, I attended way more chapels than needed, I never attempted witchcraft (although one time I snuck off campus to read some Harry Potter- JK, I would never) and I only cracked a beer one time on campus after the death of a friend. And yet, I broke it- every day, every hour, every minute. And that’s hard, because I love Houghton, and there is not anything I can do about that.

I am lucky- I get to walk away from this with a little sadness and a little more hope. But I do want to say- that’s not often the case. This issue has hurt people. Houghton has hurt people. And so long as the covenant is the way it is- that will continue to be true. It’s a step in the right direction at least.

Who knows, maybe one day a job will open up and I will be able to apply.

But in the meantime, I will stay where I am- happy, accepted, loved, a Christian trying their hardest, a human doing what they can, wearing crazy hairstyles and wishing she could still shoot water through her teeth.