The transition from high school to college is full of new experiences. It is a time to be independent, try new things and ultimately learn more about who we are and where we are going. As freshmen, students live in a new place, make new friends, and some even find a new romantic relationship. But wait, is a relationship really what we should focus our time on-especially freshman year?
In the college environment it is easy to become over dependent on another person and become completely entangled in a relationship. By dating so soon in college I believe you will make fewer friends and won’t develop as much independence.
When you date someone on campus, the urge to hang out is continuous since the opportunity is always present. When you live less than a mile apart, share the same dining room, and stay on the same campus once the school day is over, it’s hard to create separation.
I came across an article in Psychology Today entitled, “Enmeshment in Family Relationships” by Randi Kreger. It describes how reliance on a relationship can turn into enmeshment.
This can be defined as the trouble that occurs when time passes and one stops becoming an individual with separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies, etc. Essentially, couples become highly reliant on each other and each individual tends to lose his or her sense of self.
Although this problem can arise in any stage of life, I feel it is of high concern for first year students who are trying to navigate so many new roles in life. When they enter into a relationship so early in an already big transition a lot of key foundational elements get pushed aside.
A person becomes so highly invested in making the relationship work that they spend a smaller amount of time creating core friendships. More importantly, an individual does not take time to be one’s own person and truly understand their values, beliefs, and desires.
In discussing this topic, Nancy Murphy, a counselor at Houghton, commented, “I think the biggest reason for not dating freshman year is that there are so many more critical areas of self-development and self-discovery (managing emotions, identifying personal strengths and challenges, gaining competence and confidence socially and professionally, etc.) that could be sidelined prematurely.”
She continues, “If one gets into a “relationship” in order to find the “right person”, it is important to know oneself.”
Speaking from personal experience, my boyfriend and I met our first year, but both came to college not wanting to date our first year. Although we each had intentions of potentially dating in the future, we wanted to take the time to get to know each other and build a solid foundation of friendship first.
We didn’t want to jump into anything too quickly especially with so much change already going on in our lives. We started dating our sophomore year and found it truly beneficial to have taken the time to be friends, live separate lives, and establish our own friends.
In addition, with some space we have been able to better understand the college atmosphere and how we each fit into the big picture of Houghton. Striving for balance is really important and even as juniors, we are figuring out that it is good for us to do different things, keep some space, and not neglect our individuality.
Maria Tricarico ‘16 started dating her fiancé during the second semester of her first year. She reflected on her experience and said, “Honestly, the fact that I was dating didn’t really impact my education. Both my boyfriend and I were very committed to our education and we were good at prioritizing when it came to school. We struck up a healthy balance.”
Tricarico believes the impacts of a relationship are not determined by a person’s school year. Rather, it is based on the maturity and understanding of each couple. She said, “I think people need to decide for themselves whether or not dating is a good idea for them at that specific time, and they should understand why it is that they think that.”
As students, I believe we need to gain independence and confidence that we are okay by ourselves before we can enter into a relationship with full confidence. Ultimately, I do not recommended dating your first year of college but rather spend time getting to know yourself.
However, whether you are a freshman or a senior, if you do decide to enter into a committed relationship I would encourage you to take time to establish strong friendships and to understand yourself first. Without a relationship do you feel like you have time to invest in yourself? Will you be able to invest in another person without taking away that personal time?
Additionally, within a relationship continue to assess your level of enmeshment as a couple. Are you neglecting your individuality? Do you feel like you constantly have to be involved in aspects of each other’ lives?
According to Psychology Today, in healthy relationships with a strong connection each person can pay attention to the other without losing or compromising their sense of self. You should be able to be separate without falling apart and be together without losing your individuality.
Your freshman year is going to be filled with new experiences as well as people. Take time to develop friendships and save the serious dating for later. Do not forget to be yourself in every relationship. Responsibly set aside time to reflect on your emotions and continue to be aware of your involvement in each others lives.