By Demetri Court
How many varieties of peanut butter does Metz offer? It’s a simple question, I know, but please bear with me, dear reader. How many? To many, the answer is one. You find a few of these prepackaged canisters of nutty goodness near the toasting station, maybe you even mix in regular butter for a post meal snack. There’s the decision of whether or not to indulge in peanut butter, but never an infighting of attention among differing peanut butter varieties, right? In having only one peanut butter option, we are saved from the anxieties of choice, and from this we may find contentment and serenity. Dear readers of the Houghton STAR, I am sorry. I truly am. As with most things, the issue of how many varieties of peanut butter Metz offered is far more complicated than this simple portrait. Be assured, desecrating the sanctity of peanut butter security is not something I undergo lightly. Everything that follows has been carefully cross-checked and curated through months of investigative journalism. With that out of the way, I now present you with a theory. A conspiracy theory. Of how Metz has not one, but FIVE varieties of peanut butter. Let us begin.
Now, Metz Peanut Butter, as we know it, is manufactured by Monarch, a company originating from a Gold Rush provisionary over 150 years ago. Their logo, a lion, can be seen in the upper-right corner on a standard package of Metz Peanut Butter. Monarch’s Lion stands as a symbol of trust and integrity. It is not without a sense of cosmic irony then, that right underneath the trademark on their logo can one find a number, nay, this conspiracy’s linchpin, facing perpendicular to the rest of the text. This number displays differently between individual packages but always in a range between 1 and 5. A few keen-eyed pioneers from among the student body began researching the significance of this number. One of the earliest theories was that each number corresponded to a level of saltiness, but this was quickly debunked through various taste tests. A second theory, which still holds weight among the Metz Peanut Butter Community, is that each number corresponds to a different manufacturing machine. Packages produced from Monarch’s first machine in the delectable nut butter factory would be marked with a “1,” packages from the second marked with a “2,” and so on. It appears that the results of each blind taste test change every few weeks, so it would make sense that as these machines made different batches, the synchroneity between numbers on the packages would shift too. As of now, this explanation has yet to be debunked. What does this mean for us, the peanut butterers? To find out, I undertook a carefully proctored blind taste test alongside the conspiracy’s most prolific contributors.
I will spare you the specifics of the procedure for the sake of brevity but be assured that many STEM majors were present to ensure the scientific validity of this blind test. The results were that, while subtle, I ultimately could distinguish with reasonable accuracy a difference in consistency between differently numbered packages of peanut butter. If you attempt to replicate or iterate on this experiment, which I highly encourage you to do, plan not to be blown away by the full range of consistencies and textures. Some titans of the dining hall have vocally denounced this conspiracy of having any validity altogether, but I posit that this may be due to the expectations of the individual taster. The contrasts between numbered packages are not so dramatic as to produce contrasting Ratatouille fireworks of Red and Blue, but rather of the subtle variation between Seal Brown, Café Noir, Bistre, Dark Sienna, and Olive Drab #7. Does this revelation then destroy the safety and sanctity of nutty butter options? No, I do not think so. It’s really hard to tell each of them apart. But for you aficionados, you dreamers, you champions, you mad dogs of glory, I believe nothing short of a world filled with five incredibly subtle and ever-shifting variations of peanut butter lies ahead. ★
