By Christian Welker
Houghton College is advertised as a safe, God-fearing campus, for the most part. Students are comfortable leaving their things out without fear of them getting stolen, leaving their doors unlocked at night because they have no fear of their dorm-mates, and having conversations that, at least in theory, align with godly values and our Community Covenant. It’s a good system, a fantastic one even, but it could be better.
It only takes one bad apple to ruin the bunch. To keep Houghton the safe, God-fearing campus we know it can be, some changes must be made.
Firstly, Curfews. Anyone with a Student ID, at any time, can enter a residence hall. Now that may be “convenient for the students” but it also becomes possible for undesirable people to enter the building under the cover of darkness. Therefore, to keep our slumbering students safe, we should lock the doors to residence halls soon after quiet hours end. This would both encourage students to return to their dorms promptly and encourage people who are not part of those dorms to stay away.
While on the subject of Residence Halls, they are one of the only places on campus where students can remain almost completely unsupervised. What could be happening within those halls or behind those closed doors? Perhaps something that isn’t God-honoring, or worse, breaking the Community Covenant. There is of course an easy solution to this. Cameras. Everywhere. We are already putting them at the entrances to most buildings, why not in the halls, bathrooms, and individual rooms of every building, including dorms? Only to encourage them to maintain their righteousness no matter where they are. Remember, God, and the Office of Safety and Security, is always watching.
Now some students may protest putting cameras in previously “private” areas of the campus. However, we shouldn’t let that deter us. What do they have to hide? If they have nothing to hide, then they have nothing to fear. The fact that they are protesting against this indicates that they are afraid they will be caught doing things that don’t respect our Community Covenant. These whistleblowers should be put on academic probation for calling our actions into question so callously. Additionally, if they continue making a scene over such trivial matters as “Privacy,” or “Free Speech” their position at our campus should be called into question, perhaps removal is in order. We simply cannot have naysayers like that ruining the close, happy, covenant-based community we have worked so hard to build.
Speaking of Student Delinquents, some refuse to use our convenient, safety-oriented internet services. Some dare to use mobile hotspots to circumvent our lovingly crafted firewalls. This, above all previously mentioned offenses, cannot stand. The internet is a terrifying place and must be kept well guarded by our brave protectors at the Help Desk. We simply cannot have our students exposed to such Anti-Covenant ideas.
To combat these issues, we must strive to assure the student body is both purged of Anti-Covenant Thought and instilled with the proper moral values. A new group of Covenant Enforcers will become necessary to ensure this is properly done. These enforcers should conduct random searches of students’ phones, computers, backpacks, and dorms to assure all materials that are within align with the Community Covenant and properly use the services that have been provided by our campus. Additionally, during chapel times, they should patrol both the outside of the chapel building and the campus at large to assure all students are receiving the message we have provided for them today, no more of this “chapel skip” nonsense, would you try to use a “heaven skip” during the rapture? Didn’t think so.
These Covenant Enforcers, along with new eye-tracking cameras and microphones installed in the chapel itself, will assure that all students are paying utmost attention to the speaker and not talking out of turn or being distracted by worldly pleasures like homework or friendships. With these methods in place, Houghton College can rest easy with the knowledge that the students within are growing into the lovely young people we want them to be. These changes would make Houghton a better, more God-fearing place. After all, nothing makes you more fearless than the looming presence of our brave Covenant Enforcers.★
Christian Welker (Sophomore, History and Writing Major) was later accused of being a Privacy Advocate and found guilty of anti-covenant behavior. He was last seen being led off-campus by Covenant Enforcers to protect Houghton from his corrupted ideas.
