By Christian Welker
For the last few weeks, the halls of Roth have been consumed by bitter debate, all spurred by one question.
“What Should Replace the Roth Bridge?”
A large organization of students banded together to update the old design, meeting every Thursday to discuss solutions to the problem. Countless ideas were brought to the table, from slip n’ slides to a pair of carnival stunt cannons (complete with bike helmets, for safety), to a heated mat that would keep the bridge from icing over in Houghton winters (though this suggestion was laughed out of the meeting due to its ridiculousness), but in the all-hall vote that happened last week, the student’s voice rang loud and clear:
Roth Bridge will be replaced by a hanging tire swing.
The Assistant Resident Director of the dorm Micah Condie (‘23) will be heading up the process, donating his childhood swing from his old family home. Construction by a group of trained student professionals is scheduled to start later in April.
“Taking down the Bridge should be easy,” stated the head of construction Luke Schriver (‘24), “We’ll just have one of the residents jump up and down on it like twice or so, should crumble like a house of cards.”
After the bridge’s removal, the construction can begin. The Roth Rope will be suspended by a metal pole around the middle of the gap, students will take a running start, leap from one side, grab the rope, and be deposited relatively safely on the other side.
“Oh yeah we tested it,” said Science Extraordinaire Jon “The Engineering Department” Zdunski (‘23), “Around one in every ten students missed, so we already have a higher success rate than our current solution. We plan on taking the mattresses from Ghost Side and piling them up below the rope for the students that don’t make it across.”
Students are thrilled by the new plan, some already practicing their tarzan cry for when they need to rush to class. However, some have expressed concern over the amount of time it would take to construct the new Roth Rope. They worry about how long it would take before Roth Hill is accessible from the third floor entrance again.
But the Student Geniuses have a plan for this as well. Taking a note from the outdoor renovations Lambein Hall had last semester, a single plank of wood will be laid across the gap for students to use between the bridge’s removal and the Rope’s opening.
When asked for his opinion, Dean of Students Marc Smithers said, “It’s amazing to see our community band together to solve problems and implement solutions. I’m very proud of the work this team is doing to improve our college.”
The Roth Rope Project is well into its planning stage, with several designs and blueprints already laid out. However, not everyone is happy with the direction the team is going.
“I really think that we should have done a slip n’ slide,” stated Isaiah Cornfeild (‘22), “There was going to be an inflatable elephant on one side spitting water onto the mat from its trunk, elephants are my favorite animal.”
Another student, Joey Schunemann (‘24), is quoted as saying, “When I was younger I grabbed onto a tire swing, but there was a snake inside of it. Snakes scare me, so I cried. I can’t relive that trauma again.”
Nevertheless, the project is well on its way. Students should expect to start swinging into fun on the Roth Rope by the start of the upcoming fall semester.★
This article is dedicated to all the students who tried to hurry down Roth Bridge on a snowy day.
