Written By: Caleb Tiedemann (’25)
With all the talk lately regarding human life expectancy, it’s ironic that the biggest breakthrough has been made. After Elon Musk’s Telsa company was disbanded due to a shortage of electricity, his company has made a breakthrough in the cyberware industry. We’re all familiar with cyberware; our bionic limbs and Neuralink transmitters that communicate with all forms of technology have been around for a few decades. But as Tesla delves deeper into research, the general public has been let in on the various updates. The most recent being Apple’s acceptance of Neuralink’s compatibility with their devices. Disgraced Apple CEO John Cena previously called Neuralink “neanderthal technology that would die off in a couple of years.” Two decades later the CEO has been forced to eat his own words. It has also made waves in the political realm as Neuralink has reportedly made Congress actually do the jobs that citizens have been paying them to do. That being said, I, your humble news reporter, am here to give you the first in-depth review of Neuralink 1.0. With this technological advancement, Musk has promised a variety of in-depth features such as “self-flushing toilets, turning the lights on and off, and of course, worldwide genocide,” That last Neuralink comment/promise came from the practical jokester Musk himself. With that being said, as I write this review, I have successfully flushed my first toilet just by looking at it. Turning the lights on and off has proven to be something of a challenge, however. The implant allowed me to trace the electric current from my devices to the source by some form of X-ray vision. By simply blinking at it, it cuts the power line. It has arrived with some other challenges, especially when it came to finding all the bugs placed around my house. Since destroying those the mafia has been leaving dead fish on my doorstep. As someone who dislikes seafood, this has caused a rivalry between myself and the mafia. Whenever I find that worldwide genocide button, I shall be sure to utilize it. That being said, Elon Musk’s Neuralink technology has made my life far easier. Instead of exerting small amounts of effort in my everyday life, I am now able to save that physical strain for more important things like watching football or Tweeting on X. ★
