by Victoria Arndt '25
It’s a slow morning on the campus of Houghton University. As the sun rises and people get ready to start their day, several machines placed in faculty lounges and offices wait for the first round of faculty to arrive.
These machines are known as the humble coffee maker, but they hide a surprising secret: they’re actually sentient. Known as BeanBots, what people assume to be a man-made object that provides coffee for the weary souls of Houghton University turns out to be one of great intelligence and understanding. The BeanBot brews coffee on its own without human help, and its pot will always remain full for those who need a quick cup in the morning or an afternoon pick-me-up.
But those who are grumpy without their daily intake of caffeine will find themselves in a predicament. If the BeanBot senses you have had a long day of dealing with students and fellow faculty members in an un-Houghton like manner, it will refuse to brew you coffee no matter what you might do, or only brew a small amount to show its displeasure.
“It’s a very annoying feature,” said Professor Jimmy Dean. “Sometimes I’ll go to get my morning cup of coffee after my eight am class, but BeanBot refuses to give it to me. Once it gave me a frowny face on the display, as if it was disappointed in me. A machine can’t possibly know how a person really feels or acts, not unless it has access to my internal thoughts.”
Many a faculty member has complained about the use of the BeanBot machines, but the BeanBots always seem to return no matter how hard faculty try to get rid of them. Their purpose—given to them by their creator, a Houghton alumni only known as C.W.—is to provide service and comfort for those in need of it, and that job will not be hindered by the interference of humanity.
“The BeanBot is a creation near and dear to my heart,” said C.W. during one of the last known interviews with him before he retreated from the public eye. “Its first and foremost task is to just brew the best cup of coffee it can make. After that…Well, who knows?”
Whether the BeanBots will decide to use their sentience for ulterior purposes in the future, for now those at Houghton are very grateful for its presence.
“We at Houghton appreciate the work the BeanBots do for us tired professors,” said Professor Nelly McNeil. “Not only do they give us delicious coffee, but they tell us which professors have been having an attitude with others by how much coffee is in the pot. The BeanBots are our friends and allies in making sure that this campus runs smoothly and efficiently.” ★
