by Abigail Bates '26
It was about 6:15 in the evening on Rebmevon 8, when Alia Welker ‘48 knew something was wrong.
She first experienced stomach cramps, and then broke out into hives and began to feel nauseous and dizzy. Welker called her friend and was shortly rushed to East Caladrius Hospital’s emergency room (ER).
“It was one of the most terrifying thirteen minutes of my life,” Neo Stitt, the driver, said. He added that “I was glad I bought the new 1346 Magic Carpet model. If it had taken twenty, thirty, forty … Alia would be dead.”
Welker learned from her ER visit that she had a rare allergy to griffinmeat. Shortly after, investigators from the Magical Creature Protection Agency (MCPA) arrived to question her.
“I didn’t know what to think,” she said. “I was flabbergasted. How could I have eaten something I don’t even remember eating?”
Consuming griffinmeat has been illegal since the magical creature protection movement in the early 1200s. In 1286, the Griffinmeat Scandal, involving the manufacturer Fantastical Fixings, sparked national outrage and stricter regulations on the meat production industry. No other major instances have occurred since then.
“We were skeptical about how Welker, a poor college student, could have come into contact with griffinmeat,” MCPA Senior Inspector Kira Colebeck said. “Usually, the meat is sold at high prices in underground markets.”
Colebeck explained that the MCPA has been fighting against illegal meat markets since the agency was created in 1287, but the smuggling activities have become more prevalent in recent months.
“We’ve received anonymous tips about a larger organization behind the smuggling called the Five Points,” Colebeck stated, “but nothing is confirmed yet.”
In the last few months, the MCPA has caught many individuals, especially restaurant owners, in possession of griffinmeat, among other illegal meats such as unicorn and mermaid.
MCPA’s Food Safety Forensics Analyst Bennet Davis said it can be explained by the recent decline in domesticated cockatrice. He said that this decrease in our common poultry could partially be due to the recent Dragon Invasion of 1344, but is mainly due to a new strand of avian influenza spreading through poultry farms.
“It is unfortunate, but we decided to build herd immunity instead of using magical treatments,” he said. “Now we have to deal with the results.”
The MCPA investigated where Welker could have come into contact with griffinmeat. Colebeck said Welker ate all her meals at Houghton University’s (HU) cafeteria, managed by Pixie Picnic Dining. The investigation led the MCPA to a new item on the menu called “Fantasy Sandwich.”
“Our team analyzed the sandwich meat and found griffin DNA,” said Davis.
Although HU is only one of many incidents, Colebeck said that this incident is unique due to the ages of those arrested and currently awaiting trial.
Owain Carvel and HU alumna Alma Perry ‘32—hired by Pixie Picnic Dining only three months prior—were arrested on Rebmevon 22 after illegal griffinmeat and other magical organisms were found in their possession. They had hidden the illegal materials in Audumla’s ice cream storage container in a secret room under the Campus Center’s basement stairs. The police also confiscated cutting tools and a book titled “STARBook” written in code.
Carvel and Perry said they only engaged in the illegal meat market because they felt pressured by the increasing demands of meat-craving students.
“The prices racked up high, and we couldn’t buy cockatrice meat anymore,” Perry said. “We bought the devil bird, but the students didn’t like that. We had no choice.”
“I couldn’t handle all the wasted food floating through our conveyor belt!” Carvel added.
Shortly after their arrest, Pixie Picnic Dining’s longest standing staff member, Callyn Arndt, aged 75, turned herself in as an accomplice. When asked why, she said, “We are one. I have nothing more to say.”
Pixie Picnic Dining General Manager Tim Martian said Arndt’s confession of crime was both “shocking” and “disappointing.” He described her as a hard worker who was well-loved by students. Arndt had helped Martian when he first joined the staff in 1335 after his memory loss.
“After I lost my memory when I was twenty-five, she gave me purpose again,” he said. “I was so lost and had no family, but she told me, ‘Provide for the students and they will gift you complaints in return.’”
Martian was so moved by Arndt’s words that he immediately joined Pixie Picnic’s team and has been working in the cafeteria ever since.
“It’s devastating that Callyn would do something like this,” he said. “I never thought she of all people would resort to these means.”
MCPA’s further investigation discovered traces of other illegal magical creature products and hazardous materials on cafeteria surfaces and food scraps. Davis said that they found evidence of a plant commonly known as Wilting Woad, which is the believed cause of the mysterious blue hair epidemic going around campus.
“[The smuggling ring] may be much bigger than we originally thought,” Davis said. “We’ve picked up DNA of organisms and traces of toxins that shouldn’t be here.”
HU has made an official statement to assist with any following investigations by the MCPA and police.
Callyn, Carvel and Perry’s trial will be held on Rebmeced 14, 1346. ★
