Author: Houghton STAR

The student newspaper of Houghton College for more than 100 years.

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News

One Day Giving Challenge Returns to Houghton

By Marith Anderson

It’s that time of year again—Houghton’s Annual One Day Giving Challenge. Today, alumni, friends, faculty, staff, and students will be encouraged to contribute during this fundraising event and help support student scholarships, capital projects, as well as academic and co-curricular student experiences.

Grantwriter and Donor Communications Director Amanda (Shine ‘05) Zambrano acknowledges that the Challenge has been so successful in the past partly due to donation challenges prompted by generous donors. For example, this year, Student Scholarship Fund donations up to a predetermined amount will be matched dollar for dollar. Additionally, in honor of the year in which Houghton was founded, if a threshold of more than 1,833 donors is reached, additional funds will be awarded. Also, for the alumni class with the most donors, $25,000 will be endowed in a scholarship in their class name, helping to benefit students in the future.

“Special just for Houghton’s current students and their families is a challenge made by President Lewis and our First Lady, Mrs. Lewis,” continues Amanda Zambrano. “For every (current) Houghton student, parent, and grandparent who makes a gift, the Lewises will make a matching $19 gift to our Student Scholarship Fund. When three generations of the same family make a gift, the Lewises will give an EXTRA $19. The number 19 draws on scriptural reference to Joshua 1:9, celebrating our Fearless campaign.”

Houghton College’s Vice President for Advancement and External Engagement Karl Sisson reiterates the excitement and importance of the day, “With even more lead matching and challenge gifts this year, I continue to both awed and humbled by the generosity of the Houghton faithful. I am also grateful for the student leaders and ambassadors who are coming alongside us to help make this year’s One Day Giving Challenge even more fun and successful.”

On the day of the challenge, there will be a takeover on Houghton’s website and affiliated social media accounts. Students are also invited to attend and participate in activities being held in the Van Dyk Lounge between lunch and dinner, and there will be friendly competitions being held in the Kerr-Pegula Field House from 8-10pm.

Sisson also revisited today’s chapel announcement from President and Mrs. Lewis regarding the President’s challenge, which includes the aforementioned $19 gift-matching, as well as the naming of 5 things in President Lewis’ office.

Zambrano believes whole-heartedly that this event has great value. She shares, “The One Day Giving Challenge is such an inspiring day for Houghton College. Seeing the thousands of alumni, friends, employees, students and families who come together to support the Student Scholarship Fund is a profound reminder of the importance of the Kingdom work that happens on our campus. The energy and enthusiasm makes for a great day for us to come together as a community to love, support and care for the scholar-servants of today and tomorrow.”★

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Columns

The Batman (2022)

By Caleb Tiedemann

With Marvel producing more content than rabbits producing offspring, I have grown somewhat tired of the continual unchanging and bland structure that they have adopted. Sure, it’s cool to see new heroes, but eventually the same paths will be tread. DC, on the other hand, is the literal opposite of Marvel, they lack the ability to start their own universe, they shoot down success, and interfere in the productions, causing bad blood among cast and crew alike. In short, Warner Bros. has no idea what they want other than bringing in that sweet green paper. In recent times, movies like The Suicide Squad and Zack Snyder’s Justice League have garnered enough revenue that will hopefully mean they are on the right track. However, if their idea of “on track” is to hire the guy Marvel fired, and finally let the guy who needed a break because his daughter died to finally finish his dream movie nearly four years later, due to extreme cast and fan backlash, I would say they still haven’t figured it all out yet. With all that in mind, let’s talk about The Batman.

Batman is a somewhat controversial hero, some dislike him, and some love him. Personally, Batman is the best superhero, a man without powers who has to rely on his gut, intellect, and self-created gadgets to solve crimes from increasingly insane villains. But one of the things that makes Batman such a great hero is his enemies. A hero is only as good as his villains. Each of Batman’s main foes offer up a different challenge to him, whether a challenge of intellectual prowess or physical will. 

Over the years there have been many actors to play the Dark Knight, Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, and most recently, up until this movie, Ben Affleck. With the last solo Batman film releasing in 2012, we were long overdue for another outing. Enter Robert Pattinson. Now, I will fully admit when I heard that they cast Edward Cullen as Batman, I could not stop laughing. I was sure this movie would be a flop, but then I saw the trailer and became intrigued. Leading up to my viewing of The Batman I watched multiple movies in Robert Pattinson’s filmography, and I have to say that I was very impressed with how much better of an actor he had become. I was hopeful.

Matt Reeves’s The Batman is quite a good film; however, it is not the best Batman movie by a long shot, in my humble opinion. The Dark Knight is still the proud owner of that title. Clocking in at a whopping 175 minutes, The Batman is a dark and gritty detective tale, the likes of which we have never seen on the big screen. For the first half an hour the movie was amazing. The opening scene is masterfully shot and bone chilling. It all builds up so well and then manages to fall apart so easily. It is impossible to write this review without spoilers so there is a warning in effect. The beginning is solid, setting up Riddler as this sadistic killer, and I was in love with it. It was the Riddler of my dreams, insane and designing Saw-like traps just to prove that he was smarter than the Batman. However, all his traps had a purpose to expose the rich elitist evil in Gotham. It was not what I wanted exactly, but I was still happy. 

For me the entire film falls away once Batman gets involved with Catwoman. From that point on, we forget about Riddler and instead focus on the other villains: Catwoman, who is doing the exact same thing in every single Batman movie that she appears in; Carmine Falcone, who half the world either does not know or care about; and Penguin, who is hardly even the Penguin. He’s literally Falcone’s lapdog, and for the most part, his entire character is wasted in this movie. My biggest gripe was how much was done with Falcone. Falcone almost never takes center stage in any Batman related content, so it was really weird to see Matt Reeves take on a superhero Goodfellas. We then go on this whole tangent, for a solid ninety minutes about Bruce’s parents and their ties to the mob, Catwoman and her ties to the mob, Penguin and his ties to the mob, etc. We even find out that Catwoman’s father is Falcone, a reveal that was about as interesting and wanted as mowing the lawn. It turns from detective thriller to soap opera. 

There were also a lot of inconsistencies, like how Catwoman instantly trusted Batman and then got suspicious later on. Catwoman never trusted Batman in any other media, why did she start now? Just because of her friend? Also Gotham streets are rampant with a drug called “Drops” yet we never learn anything about them or what they do. It is referred to multiple times.

The final thing that the movie has going for it is the deleted scene that was released online, the one with our new Joker. He was teased in the movie, but now we get to actually see him. He’s… something. I am not ruling him out based on his looks, yet. There is potential. Barry Keoghan might do very well with it. I have hopes, and we all know a new Joker will roll in the big bucks. 

However, all these concerns are relatively minor. Where the plot is lacking, the movie still manages to stand with amazing performances from Paul Dano as the Riddler, Robert Pattinson as Batman/Bruce Wayne and Jeffrey Wright as Gordon. Zoe Kravitz was never really an amazing actor and seldom plays a unique role, her acting ability is decent enough but she hardly ever gets to showcase it. Colin Farrell was good whenever he was on screen, but that was not too often. John Turturro was a surprisingly good actor and fit the role of Falcone. The fight choreography, visuals and cinematography are jaw dropping and stunningly gorgeous. Then there is the score… beautiful, absolutely beautiful. These factors become the leg that this movie stands on. 

In conclusion, The Batman is a very fun movie to watch. It does not always feel like a Batman movie but there are many qualities that make up for everything I dislike. Reeves is very obviously building up for a sequel, so I will still attend and pay my tuition to Hollywood for making another movie. ★

Final Grade: B+

Categories
Opinions

Ukrainian Students: What Education Means in Time of War

By Jacqueline Johnson

Like many others, I have been trying my best to follow the issues and events concerning the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. Recently, I was granted an eye-opening experience to which I am very grateful. On Friday, March 11 Ukrainian Catholic University hosted a conversation involving over 200 universities worldwide, where several Ukrainian students shared their experiences and thoughts surrounding the conflict and what it means in their lives. 

I am a history major here at Houghton, and it is moments like these that strike a renewed realization in me on the importance of history and the importance of listening. The first woman who spoke cried for her friend, who had recently been killed as a result of the conflict. Another shared how she and fellow students had been spending their time writing letters, making blankets, and baking cookies to aid Ukrainian soldiers and refugees. While my free time is spent playing nerf or enjoying the fleeting spring weather, these university students spend their time thinking about the growing conflict all around them. 

Following this experience, I was also thankful to have a conversation with Dr. Francesca Silano,Assistant Professor of History, who specializes in Soviet History, and who organized the live viewing of this conference here at Houghton. During this conversation, I asked about her perspective as a professor during this conflict. She said, “The responsibility of teaching history is always the responsibility of teaching students to meet people…trying to meet them, and understand them, and be where they are.” Thinking back to hearing the student’s stories, I think I can understand that. 

I think that when one looks at history or current events, it is extremely important to remember that history is made up of people. People with their own motivations, fears, wishes, and lives. I recognize that I am in a position of great privilege. I am able to pursue my education, and I am able to do so with relative stability. I am grateful for this. I am also grateful to know that I am privileged. We live in such a globalized world, for better or worse, and one of the most important things to be gained from that is the ability to see others and try to understand. I am grateful to the professors who organized this event and events like this, and I am grateful for the students who shared their lives with strangers all over the world so that they might understand. I urge others to pray for peace and to listen to the stories that people need to share. ★

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News

PRO Talk: San Francisco 49ers

By Andrea Taboni

On March 10, 2022, the Center for Data Science Analytics (CDSA) hosted their second PRO Talkfeaturing Brian Hampton, Vice President of Football Administration, and Demitrius Washington, Manager of Football Research and Development from the San Francisco49ers. 

During the talk, students and faculty got to hear about how the San Francisco 49ers use data within their organization. At the beginning of the talk, there was a surprise guest, Maurice “Mo” Hurst, the 49er’s newly signed Defensive Tackle. Hurst gave some insight on how he and other players on his team use data to improve their performance on the field. 

Once Hurst was done talking, the conversation about data usage was turned over to Hamptonand Washington, who focused on the skills that one needs to be a data science professional in the sports industry. Hamptonstated, “It does not matter how well you are as a data scientist, what matters is how well you can present that information to someone.” This shows how “communication is key” in everything that you do. 

Hampton and Washingtonalso mentioned the key skills and practices that an individual needs to get a job in the professional sports industry. When they were asked about one piece of advice that they would give for students looking for a job in professional sports, Demitrius stated, “Sharpen your skills as much as possible, network, and to reach out.” Hampton echoed Washington’s point about networking, stating, Networking is the key word of all of that. A lot of people in this industry get the job from some form of reference.” 

The CDSA provides hands-on opportunities for students in data science. To learn more about future PRO Talk speakers, or about the CDSA in general, subscribe to their monthly newsletter at cdsa@houghton.edu. ★

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News

MANNRS Heads to Florida for Conference

By Mary Vandenbosch and Cassie Cavell

In late March, after extensive preparation, the Houghton College MANRRS Chapter, including eleven students and two advisors, traveled to the MANRRS National Conference in Jacksonville, FL for a one-of-a-kind learning, networking, and professional development experience. With over a thousand students in attendance, it was valuable for the Houghton chapter to meet and connect with students from all over the country. 

MANRRS is a national organization that works to support Minorities in Agriculture, Natural Resources, and Related Science, through academic and professional advancement. At Houghton, the mission of the chapter is to bring students from diverse backgrounds together and provide them with resources to be successful. Students might have heard of MANNRS through their resumé competition, campus-wide events, and supporting other campus groups and events like BEST Talks and the Center for Sustainability. However, it is much more than that. There are six different regions all across the United States, with colleges and universities from Cornell University, Michigan State, to Texas A&M. Students range from Agriculture Business Majors to even a Houghton student who is a Psychology major. 

A conference highlight was Chapter President, Mary Vandenbosch (‘23) being elected as the Region 1 Vice President for this coming year, a very prestigious nationally elected position. She was also recognized as a Cargill Scholar. As a part of the scholarship, Vandenbosch received financial academic support and monthly leadership training. In August, she will travel to Minneapolis, Minnesota, to visit the Cargill headquarters. Scholarships are a very big part of MANRRS, and some can even assist with graduate funding to general education. Cassie Cavell (‘23), an Exercise Science major, will be utilizing her scholarship granted by the Dairy Farmers of America essay competition toward her first semester of Chiropractic school this fall. To apply for these scholarships, all students have to do is be an active member in MANRRS and submit the various applications.

Cavell was also one of five finalists in the national Research Presentation competition. She had 8 minutes to present her biology research proposal entitled Substitution of Cannabidiol Formulations for Migraine Headache Treatments before fielding questions from the judges and audience. Reflecting on the experience, she said, “I felt incredibly proud to represent Houghton, one of 70 national chapters, and compete against large universities like Oregon State and Florida A&M. I’m really appreciative to Dr. Antignani and my friends who provided me with an audience to practice before I competed at such a prestigious event!”  Another Houghton student, Sarah Gard (‘25), a Business Major, competed in the Research Discussion Contest. The national conference has competitions with prizes for all areas of interest including STEM, communication, business, and more.

Students relished the opportunity to spend valuable time with two Houghton MANRRS alumni, who are now both data scientists for Land O’Lakes, John Khalaf (‘18) and Jacob Annis (‘18). Both alums secured internships and subsequently their jobs as a result of their own MANRRS national conference experiences. Along with three other fellow MANRRS alumni (Michael Cha (‘18), Erik Sorenson (‘20) and Ryan Ozzello (‘21)), they also treated the group to a pizza party and served to be a great source of encouragement to the students.

Our students experienced incredible success during the Career Fair where they secured interviews, internships, and leads on careers following graduation with highly-respected national and international corporations and organizations such as John Deere and the USDA. One student did not know her Digital Marketing interest would be desired by various companies. Andrea Taboni (‘22), a Communications major, stated, “This was an experience like no other. Throughout the conference there were many different opportunities for networking.” Andrea helped show the true nature of MANRRS and how it is for all students from all backgrounds. 

“I am confident this unique conference experience will prove to serve as a springboard for our current and future servant-leaders,” explained Karl Sisson, faculty advisor and Vice President for Advancement and External Engagement. “I was very proud of their confidence and composure, and how they represented Houghton College.”

“I relished how our students bonded—referring to themselves as a ‘team’ and re-creating the Houghton community away from campus,” commented Sisson. “They fully supported and encouraged one another. It was a very special thing to witness!”★

To learn more about getting involved in Houghton’s MANRRS Chapter, contact houghton.manrrs@gmail.com or reach out to Chapter President Mary Vandenbosch (‘23) for more questions.

Categories
International News

Censorship in Russia

By Joshua Carpenter

As the Russo-Ukrainian war wages on in Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, another war is being fought within Russia: a war between the Russian government and the Russian citizen, between the taking of freedom and the expression of it— the war on Russian censorship.

​Since Ukraine’s Revolution of Dignity in February of 2014, which was led by Ukrainian protestors who overthrew their government in a series of deadly protests, the country has been in a state of war with Russia over its independence. The goal of the Ukrainian protestors was to turn their government away from choosing closer ties to Russia after Victor Yanukovych (Ukraine’s president at the time) was pressured by Russia into rejecting a political association and free trade agreement with the European Union (EU). According to BBC News, Yanukovych argued, “Ukraine could not afford to sacrifice trade with Russia, which opposed the [EU] deal.” But this argument did not keep the Ukrainian parliament from overthrowing him with, as Kyiv Post, the oldest English-language newspaper in Ukraine reported, a “328-0 vote to impeach Yanukovych.” Agitated, Russia considered the overthrow of Yanukovych to be an illegal coup and did not recognize parliament’s implementation of an interim (acting) government. Ukraine has been breaking ties with Russia ever since then with a focus on empowering itself as an independent nation.

​What the world is seeing in 2022 is a similar story to Ukraine’s Revolution of Dignity. Russian citizens have become increasingly aware of what many of them would refer to as government corruption, abuse of power, and violation of human rights—all of which fueled them to protest the war against Ukraine and to call for Russian President Putin’s impeachment. While doing so, however, they are being met with aggressive censorship. 

​As illuminated by the Human Rights Watch, an international non-governmental organization that reports on abuses happening throughout the world, “The 2019 ‘sovereign internet’ law [Russian law] requires internet service providers (ISPs) to install equipment that allows authorities to circumvent providers and automatically block content the government has banned and reroute internet traffic themselves.” With this law in place, Russian authorities have the legal right to suppress public expression of disapproval of the government’s official narrative (being that there is no war, only a special military operation).

​Stepping outside of the internet, peaceful anti-war protestors on the streets of Moscow are being arrested by the thousands. The Human Rights Watch reported, “The [Russian] police used excessive force against protestors while detaining them and, in several instances, inflicted abuse amounting to torture or inhuman and degrading treatment, on those in custody.”

In a security council meeting, Putin commented on what he thinks of anti-war protestors, “The Russian people will always be able to distinguish true patriots from scum and traitors and simply spit them out like a gnat that accidentally flew into their mouths.” When asked about the Russian government’s excessive force against such “scum,” Putin said, “I am convinced that such a natural and necessary cleansing of society will only strengthen our country, our solidarity, cohesion and readiness to respond to any challenges.”

For further information on the war between Russia and Ukraine, websites like The Human Rights Watch provide regular updates on this as well as other human rights violations occurring throughout the world.★

Categories
Stories In Focus

Conspiracy: Peanut Butter Expose

By Demetri Court

How many varieties of peanut butter does Metz offer? It’s a simple question, I know, but please bear with me, dear reader. How many? To many, the answer is one. You find a few of these prepackaged canisters of nutty goodness near the toasting station, maybe you even mix in regular butter for a post meal snack. There’s the decision of whether or not to indulge in peanut butter, but never an infighting of attention among differing peanut butter varieties, right? In having only one peanut butter option, we are saved from the anxieties of choice, and from this we may find contentment and serenity. Dear readers of the Houghton STAR, I am sorry. I truly am. As with most things, the issue of how many varieties of peanut butter Metz offered is far more complicated than this simple portrait. Be assured, desecrating the sanctity of peanut butter security is not something I undergo lightly. Everything that follows has been carefully cross-checked and curated through months of investigative journalism. With that out of the way, I now present you with a theory. A conspiracy theory. Of how Metz has not one, but FIVE varieties of peanut butter. Let us begin.

Now, Metz Peanut Butter, as we know it, is manufactured by Monarch, a company originating from a Gold Rush provisionary over 150 years ago. Their logo, a lion, can be seen in the upper-right corner on a standard package of Metz Peanut Butter. Monarch’s Lion stands as a symbol of trust and integrity. It is not without a sense of cosmic irony then, that right underneath the trademark on their logo can one find a number, nay, this conspiracy’s linchpin, facing perpendicular to the rest of the text. This number displays differently between individual packages but always in a range between 1 and 5. A few keen-eyed pioneers from among the student body began researching the significance of this number. One of the earliest theories was that each number corresponded to a level of saltiness, but this was quickly debunked through various taste tests. A second theory, which still holds weight among the Metz Peanut Butter Community, is that each number corresponds to a different manufacturing machine. Packages produced from Monarch’s first machine in the delectable nut butter factory would be marked with a “1,” packages from the second marked with a “2,” and so on. It appears that the results of each blind taste test change every few weeks, so it would make sense that as these machines made different batches, the synchroneity between numbers on the packages would shift too. As of now, this explanation has yet to be debunked. What does this mean for us, the peanut butterers? To find out, I undertook a carefully proctored blind taste test alongside the conspiracy’s most prolific contributors.

I will spare you the specifics of the procedure for the sake of brevity but be assured that many STEM majors were present to ensure the scientific validity of this blind test. The results were that, while subtle, I ultimately could distinguish with reasonable accuracy a difference in consistency between differently numbered packages of peanut butter. If you attempt to replicate or iterate on this experiment, which I highly encourage you to do, plan not to be blown away by the full range of consistencies and textures. Some titans of the dining hall have vocally denounced this conspiracy of having any validity altogether, but I posit that this may be due to the expectations of the individual taster. The contrasts between numbered packages are not so dramatic as to produce contrasting Ratatouille fireworks of Red and Blue, but rather of the subtle variation between Seal Brown, Café Noir, Bistre, Dark Sienna, and Olive Drab #7. Does this revelation then destroy the safety and sanctity of nutty butter options? No, I do not think so. It’s really hard to tell each of them apart. But for you aficionados, you dreamers, you champions, you mad dogs of glory, I believe nothing short of a world filled with five incredibly subtle and ever-shifting variations of peanut butter lies ahead. ★

Categories
Opinions

Need More ’84: How Surveillance Strengthens Community

By Christian Welker

Houghton College is advertised as a safe, God-fearing campus, for the most part. Students are comfortable leaving their things out without fear of them getting stolen, leaving their doors unlocked at night because they have no fear of their dorm-mates, and having conversations that, at least in theory, align with godly values and our Community Covenant. It’s a good system, a fantastic one even, but it could be better.

It only takes one bad apple to ruin the bunch. To keep Houghton the safe, God-fearing campus we know it can be, some changes must be made.

Firstly, Curfews. Anyone with a Student ID, at any time, can enter a residence hall. Now that may be “convenient for the students” but it also becomes possible for undesirable people to enter the building under the cover of darkness. Therefore, to keep our slumbering students safe, we should lock the doors to residence halls soon after quiet hours end. This would both encourage students to return to their dorms promptly and encourage people who are not part of those dorms to stay away.

While on the subject of Residence Halls, they are one of the only places on campus where students can remain almost completely unsupervised. What could be happening within those halls or behind those closed doors? Perhaps something that isn’t God-honoring, or worse, breaking the Community Covenant. There is of course an easy solution to this. Cameras. Everywhere. We are already putting them at the entrances to most buildings, why not in the halls, bathrooms, and individual rooms of every building, including dorms? Only to encourage them to maintain their righteousness no matter where they are. Remember, God, and the Office of Safety and Security, is always watching.

Now some students may protest putting cameras in previously “private” areas of the campus. However, we shouldn’t let that deter us. What do they have to hide? If they have nothing to hide, then they have nothing to fear. The fact that they are protesting against this indicates that they are afraid they will be caught doing things that don’t respect our Community Covenant. These whistleblowers should be put on academic probation for calling our actions into question so callously. Additionally, if they continue making a scene over such trivial matters as “Privacy,” or “Free Speech” their position at our campus should be called into question, perhaps removal is in order. We simply cannot have naysayers like that ruining the close, happy, covenant-based community we have worked so hard to build.

Speaking of Student Delinquents, some refuse to use our convenient, safety-oriented internet services. Some dare to use mobile hotspots to circumvent our lovingly crafted firewalls. This, above all previously mentioned offenses, cannot stand. The internet is a terrifying place and must be kept well guarded by our brave protectors at the Help Desk. We simply cannot have our students exposed to such Anti-Covenant ideas.

To combat these issues, we must strive to assure the student body is both purged of Anti-Covenant Thought and instilled with the proper moral values. A new group of Covenant Enforcers will become necessary to ensure this is properly done. These enforcers should conduct random searches of students’ phones, computers, backpacks, and dorms to assure all materials that are within align with the Community Covenant and properly use the services that have been provided by our campus. Additionally, during chapel times, they should patrol both the outside of the chapel building and the campus at large to assure all students are receiving the message we have provided for them today, no more of this “chapel skip” nonsense, would you try to use a “heaven skip” during the rapture? Didn’t think so.

These Covenant Enforcers, along with new eye-tracking cameras and microphones installed in the chapel itself, will assure that all students are paying utmost attention to the speaker and not talking out of turn or being distracted by worldly pleasures like homework or friendships. With these methods in place, Houghton College can rest easy with the knowledge that the students within are growing into the lovely young people we want them to be. These changes would make Houghton a better, more God-fearing place. After all, nothing makes you more fearless than the looming presence of our brave Covenant Enforcers.★

Christian Welker (Sophomore, History and Writing Major) was later accused of being a Privacy Advocate and found guilty of anti-covenant behavior. He was last seen being led off-campus by Covenant Enforcers to protect Houghton from his corrupted ideas.

Categories
News

Roth Rope to Replace Bridge in Stunning Student Plan

By Christian Welker

For the last few weeks, the halls of Roth have been consumed by bitter debate, all spurred by one question.

“What Should Replace the Roth Bridge?”

A large organization of students banded together to update the old design, meeting every Thursday to discuss solutions to the problem. Countless ideas were brought to the table, from slip n’ slides to a pair of carnival stunt cannons (complete with bike helmets, for safety), to a heated mat that would keep the bridge from icing over in Houghton winters (though this suggestion was laughed out of the meeting due to its ridiculousness), but in the all-hall vote that happened last week, the student’s voice rang loud and clear:

Roth Bridge will be replaced by a hanging tire swing.

The Assistant Resident Director of the dorm Micah Condie (‘23) will be heading up the process, donating his childhood swing from his old family home. Construction by a group of trained student professionals is scheduled to start later in April.

“Taking down the Bridge should be easy,” stated the head of construction Luke Schriver (‘24), “We’ll just have one of the residents jump up and down on it like twice or so, should crumble like a house of cards.”

After the bridge’s removal, the construction can begin. The Roth Rope will be suspended by a metal pole around the middle of the gap, students will take a running start, leap from one side, grab the rope, and be deposited relatively safely on the other side.

“Oh yeah we tested it,” said Science Extraordinaire Jon “The Engineering Department” Zdunski (‘23), “Around one in every ten students missed, so we already have a higher success rate than our current solution. We plan on taking the mattresses from Ghost Side and piling them up below the rope for the students that don’t make it across.”

Students are thrilled by the new plan, some already practicing their tarzan cry for when they need to rush to class. However, some have expressed concern over the amount of time it would take to construct the new Roth Rope. They worry about how long it would take before Roth Hill is accessible from the third floor entrance again. 

But the Student Geniuses have a plan for this as well. Taking a note from the outdoor renovations Lambein Hall had last semester, a single plank of wood will be laid across the gap for students to use between the bridge’s removal and the Rope’s opening.

When asked for his opinion, Dean of Students Marc Smithers said, “It’s amazing to see our community band together to solve problems and implement solutions. I’m very proud of the work this team is doing to improve our college.”

The Roth Rope Project is well into its planning stage, with several designs and blueprints already laid out. However, not everyone is happy with the direction the team is going.

“I really think that we should have done a slip n’ slide,” stated Isaiah Cornfeild (‘22), “There was going to be an inflatable elephant on one side spitting water onto the mat from its trunk, elephants are my favorite animal.”

Another student, Joey Schunemann (‘24), is quoted as saying, “When I was younger I grabbed onto a tire swing, but there was a snake inside of it. Snakes scare me, so I cried. I can’t relive that trauma again.”

Nevertheless, the project is well on its way. Students should expect to start swinging into fun on the Roth Rope by the start of the upcoming fall semester.★

This article is dedicated to all the students who tried to hurry down Roth Bridge on a snowy day.

Categories
News

“Gaerte Gear” Fashion Line Comes to Houghton

By Owen Hardiman

The Houghton Highlander Shop and Printing Press is excitedly preparing to run a new line of Houghton apparel. The designer: critically acclaimed communication extraordinaire and sweater vest aficionado Dr. Douglas Gaerte. The new line, Gaerte Gear, will be hitting the racks of the Campus Store later this month.

In an exclusive interview conducted by the STAR, Dr. Gaerte shared how he has become such a prominent influencer in sweater vest culture. “Mr. Rogers always had a sweater on when he was in his neighborhood. Like many kids are prone to do, I wanted to dress like my hero.” He additionally discussed the historically practical usage of vests. “Vests often provide a form of protection. The life vest protects us from drowning. The bullet proof vest protects us from, well, bullets. In high school, my sweater vests protected me from dating.”

Dr. Gaerte also shared with the STAR some insights into his steadfast passion for this unique form of apparel. “The sweater vest is such an iconic look,” Dr. Gaerte remarked. “It communicates both ‘I’m a professional’ and yet I am also approachable all at the same time. In that way, I think it’s the classic look for Houghton College.”

The announcement about Dr. Gaerte’s new fashion line has created an intense furor across campus, and that excitement is particularly marked among his colleagues in the Communication Department. Proficient designer and donut enthusiast Professor Murphy energetically shared her thoughts on the new line, stating that she has noticed Dr. Gaerte’s special talent for dressing people ever since he lent her one of his iconic sweater vests for a photoshoot in the Mac Lab. “That was when I realized: Doug Gaerte has a gift for working with textiles. Since then, it’s only become more and more obvious that Doug has a gift for communicating through fashion, so I’m incredibly excited that his line will soon be coming to the campus store—students are going to love it!”

Professor Murphy also noted that “fashion design seems like a very natural extension of Doug’s passion for effective communication… We say a lot with what we choose to wear, and the sweater vest is an iconic, timeless statement. I’m delighted to see him take the wealth of experience he has in making fashion statements and using it to design clothing that can speak on so many levels to so many people.” 

Many Houghton students have also expressed a strong zeal regarding the upcoming release of Gaerte Gear. Communication student Emma Norby (‘24) commented, “Dr. Gaerte will surely have a thriving side job designing sweater vests because of his motivation for everyone to wear one. He promoted his business in my interpersonal communication class the other day and stated ‘they are dressy yet movable!’ (arms flapping when stated).”

What can fashionistas and sweater vest fanatics expect to see in this upcoming line? Dr. Gaerte has kept most of the new line close to his sweater-vest-clad-chest but has teased his fans with some details, including hints about zipper front fleece vests. “I wanted to take some creative risks, so I decided to expand the Gaerte Gear sweater family with the more sporty fleece vest look. What I love most about this new line is what it communicates to the casual observer—that the wearer is a professional committed to doing his or her job well, but lurking just beneath the surface is a rugged adventurer just waiting to burst out and hit the trail for new horizons. There’s an edginess, or hint of danger and risk with the fleece zipper front that just can’t be replicated in the traditional argyle sweater vest. Hopefully this expansion of the vest look will bring more people into the Gaerte Gear family.” Dr. Gaerte assured the STAR that there are still places he will not go in his design. “Gaerte Gear will never promote the quilted puffy vest. It’s too artificial looking, and no one wants to look like the Michelin tire man.”

Professor Murphy has also teased fans with her insider knowledge of the new designs, stating “I’m actually already on the pre-order list for the Rosewood variety of his “Modern Argyle” line. I’ve had a chance to see the mock-ups, and they’re absolute genius. If I had to describe them, I’d say they’re somehow both runway fresh and comfortably classic. (But like, both, at the same time.)”

When asked for a comment, Helena Oden of the Houghton Highlander Shop and Printing Press described the eagerness and delight the campus store felt about the upcoming line. “We are very proud to be the sole distributor of Gaerte Gear so all of campus has the opportunity to look as stylish as Dr. Gaerte. Keep an eye out for his latest designs by following us on Instagram!”

In times of partisanship and uncertainty, Dr. Gaerte concluded his interview with the STAR discussing the larger impacts of sweater vest culture. “I think we would have fewer wars if world leaders wore more sweater vests. It’s those dark uncomfortable suits that make people angry. A sweater vest says ‘Hey, come give me a hug. Let’s go get coffee, and we can settle our geo-political differences over a donut.’”

In an unprecedented marketing move, Gaerte Gear will only be available at the Houghton Highlander Shop during a select set of hours on Sundays. Unfortunately, STAR reporters were unable to discover when these hours are as the campus store appears to be closed every Sunday. “It’s a cutting edge marketing strategy,” says almost-business-minor Sarah Mertzlufft (‘22). “The girls who get it, get it. The girls who don’t, don’t.” To find out more about Gaerte Gear, students simply must loiter in the campus center all day Sunday hoping to catch a vested customer slipping out of the campus store after hours.★