Categories
Stories In Focus

Rachel Wells

By Anna Catherman ('24)

Senior Rachel Wells took Transitions this Fall 2023 semester. 

Wells came to Houghton from New York City, where she’d attended The King’s College for two years. When King’s shuddered due to financial woes, Houghton offered a generous teach out program, making it a clear choice. But it still wasn’t easy for Wells to start over in a new place for the second time in three years.

Wells grew up in suburban Florida—vastly different from both New York City and Houghton. 

She didn’t tour King’s, and had only spent half a day in New York City before moving there.

Wells said that her new life “did not feel real for a very long time.”

Thrust into not only starting classes, Wells also had to learn how to grocery shop, cook, and make friends in a place where she knew no one. She contracted COVID-19 in her first month and had to spend time in isolation, which worsened her homesickness. But she pushed through, and in time, grew to enjoy living within walking distance of Battery Park and its views of the Statue of Liberty.

By her second year, Wells said she found she “actually love[d] living in the city.”

Highlights included her college professors, classmates, prayer group, babysitting, and studying at the city’s many coffee shops. She enjoyed King’s unique culture of debate and friendly competition, tutoring her housemates to win a writing contest. It was the only contest the House of Queen Elizabeth won in her time there.

However, the year was fraught with tension as King’s financial woes slowly became public. 

Zoom calls with executives became routine. The interim president, Steven French, said that more money was needed to finish the semester. Students began getting rent notices for their college housing. Yet through May 2023, the school claimed no intention to close.

Then King’s announced no classes would be taught in the 2023-2024 school year. 

Forced to transfer somewhere else, Wells “eventually came around to the idea of Houghton.” Many of Wells’ family members have attended Houghton University.

Wells misses the iced oat milk lattes at Olive’s, her favorite coffee shop; her babysitting job; and her former professors and classmates. But she’s found new people —and drink orders—at Houghton. 

Wells really enjoys chapels. “Hot take, I guess?” she chuckled, acknowledging that many students don’t feel the same way.

And Wells has had a blast at Houghton’s events, including intramural water polo. 

Wells hopes to return to New York City from time to time to visit friends, although she plans to move home to Florida after graduation. There, she wants to teach alongside her high school English teacher. 

Ultimately? She’d like to be Dr. Wells. 

She asks herself, “should you be saying that right now because you’re an undergraduate?” But she still dreams. ★

Categories
Letter to the Editor Opinions

Letter to the Editor: Discipleship, not Gender Roles

By Dr. Kristina LaCelle-Peterson

In a culture obsessed with gender differences and gender roles, it’s good to consider how absent these themes are in Scripture. When we look at the Bible, we find the authors virtually unconcerned with how to be a man of God or a woman of God; they consistently invite us simply to be faithful to God. In other words, Scripture pictures us as humans before God, in creation, fall, redemption, as well as in the invitation to participate in God’s work in this world. Biblical writers are apparently uninterested in how a woman develops faithfulness to God as a woman or how a man does it as a man. For followers of Christ, discipleship is discipleship.

But Christians have often read their gender assumptions into the Bible. For instance, some Christians claim that God placed humans in a hierarchy right from the start with men in charge. One reason they think this is their assumption that God is male and therefore men, being more like God, have the responsibility to lead and direct. However, God is not male since God is spirit; God is supremely personal without being limited by the markers that define animal life. In addition, men are not more like God, since Genesis 1 tells us that all humans are made in God’s own image and commissioned together to do God’s work. They are to be fruitful and multiply; they are to have dominion. No one is the boss, while the other follows. No one protects and provides while the other is passive. We see hierarchy introduced only after the Fall, where domination and subjugation are clearly expressions of the brokenness of humanity after sin has entered the system. Hierarchy interrupts the delightful mutuality of God’s design and also seems to suggest that God likes order more than the flourishing of the people involved.  This, of course, is a questionable assumption given God’s deep love for all of us and God’s consistent desire for the just treatment of all.  

Another unhelpful habit in considering God’s design is to suggest that men and women complement each other and need each other to reflect God. Scholars differ in how they interpret the phrase “image of God” (in terms of capacities,  relationality, or function) but generally affirm that all humans are formed in God’s image equally. What it does not say is that men and women together mirror God’s image. In other words, just because male and female are both made in God’s image, it does not follow that the statement can be turned around to mean that it is in our maleness and femaleness that we reflect God. That kind of thinking results in some deeply problematic theological positions.   

First, with regard to people, if the marriage of a man and a woman is thought to most fully represent God that would mean that huge swaths of the human race would be somehow less in God’s image, given that they are single or not in hetereosexual relationships. Being made in God’s image is fundamental to our being, and our marital or relational status cannot affect it in any way. Besides, as the biblical scholar NT Wright has observed, our maleness/femaleness is what we share with the created order, not with God. We are like many of the plant and animal kingdoms where male and female bodies are necessary for reproduction. Though some Christians want to spiritualize these categories, the Bible doesn’t. 

Furthermore, to say men and women most fully display the image of God together, implies that God is a composite of male and female, with men and women each reflecting one ‘side’ of God. It makes God like the yin and yang, the complementary male and female “energies” of Eastern thought, pasted together. This dualism regarding God’s essence is not biblical. God is I AM—being itself, the source of being, the One who simply is. It would be better to say that God, having no body, transcends the categories of male and female, since these things are linked to earthly life and specifically to reproduction. Even talking about ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ traits in God is a projection of our ideas of masculinity and femininity onto God. God encompasses all human traits, regardless of whether we have labeled them masculine or feminine.

In the second creation narrative, the animals are paraded before the human and are disqualified on the basis of their inferiority. In contrast, the woman is not inferior but corresponds to him and therefore is someone who can offer an antidote to his aloneness. She is not his little helper, however, since the word ‘help’ here is most often used for God in Scripture, offering the help that the other needs to thrive. Significantly, Adam rejoices, not that God has made someone who is different from him to complement him (or follow his lead or do his dishes), but someone who is bone of my bone. She is my very body, he rhapsodizes, someone who shares my fundamental essence—being human.

When we come to the New Testament, we find Jesus calling women and men to be disciples on the same basis – there is not a different set of expectations for female and male disciples. In fact, when Jesus is asked to endorse gender roles or gender valuation, he refuses to do so.  For instance, he refuses to devalue women as he was expected to in his culture on the basis of their purported sexual danger. Consider the story in Luke 7 where he welcomes the touch of a woman who washes his feet, though the religious folks present can only see her sexual impropriety. And in the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10) he refuses to press Mary into the expected gender tasks. Instead, he affirms her choice to sit at his feet, learning like only male disciples generally did in that culture. And when a woman cries out in the crowd, “blessed is the womb that bore you,” he says, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it!” (Luke 11:27). It is discipleship by which people are valued in Jesus’ kingdom, not following gender expectations. When his family members show up, he asks, “Who are my mother and brothers?” Looking at those around him he continues, “Here are my mother and brothers! Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:33-35). He is not disrespecting his own mother, rather inviting all those around him and by extension all of us, to be part of his family on the basis of obedience. Whatever differences may exist between men and women (and that’s a huge topic that cannot be addressed here) the call for Christians is not to figure out how a woman is to act or how a man is to act, but how each of us lives into the call of Jesus to lay down our lives for the other and to wash each other’s feet. If there are differences presumably they would come out naturally; we don’t have to force the issue.

Paul, too, celebrates women’s (along with men’s) faithfulness to promote the good news, even calling many women his co-laborers in the Gospel—see especially Romans 16. Some, he notes, risked their lives for him and the sake of evangelism. When he lists gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 there is no segregation of gifts on the basis of sex.  

So, if Scripture is not terribly concerned with gender roles and norms, why is the church so caught up in promoting them?  People seem to fall back on them because cultural expectations are comfortable and feel ‘right’ in any given moment in history; it’s just easier to go with the grain.  If we have heard them justified with Bible verses (taken out of context) they even feel Christian, but we have to remember that our ideas of femininity and masculinity are not biblical.  They are products of our culture in this time and place.  For instance, the Bible does not require men to provide and protect the people in his family.  In Scripture, we have plenty of examples of women’s bodies being used to protect men, for better or worse, and the passage most often trotted out to describe the ideal wife (Proverbs 31) depicts a woman providing for her family.  In addition, the texts of Scripture were originally addressed to people primarily in agricultural societies where everyone’s work is necessary; men, women and even children work hard to keep the family economy going.  The man as ‘provider’ seems particularly linked to cash economies and to middle class status; in 19th century America, for instance, having a wife who “stayed home” became a symbol of male success, (that is, masculinity).  But that doesn’t make it Christian and arguably that cannot be a sign of Christian faithfulness, since it would mean that poor, working class families where everyone has to earn money, would be less pleasing to God.  

The Wesleyan tradition has stood for the equality of all people and for each person’s responsibility before God.  When it comes to the community of the redeemed, we stand shoulder to shoulder because we are all sinful humans who have been addressed by the grace and love of God. In Scripture, God is said to give gifts and then invite people to use them for God’s glory, without the question about gender roles entering into the equation.  Simply, don’t bury your talents in the ground!  With regard to marriage, we take seriously the call to “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ” (Eph 5:21) and believe that it is what we are called to model in our families, in our churches and in the society, rather than cultural ideals of manhood and womanhood.  In fact, all the instructions about how Christians should interact—encouraging one another, putting each other’s needs above our own, bearing each other’s burdens, etc.—apply to both people in a marriage.  When it comes to parenting, then, both partners are to love their children unconditionally, as far as humanly possible, and both are to model for their children what it means to be a follower of Christ and what it means to lay down one’s life for the other.  

Part of the grand adventure of being Christian is living into the full personhood that God created us for. Scripture does not ask us to wedge ourselves into a box of cultural (or church or family) expectations about how a woman should act or how a man should act, but invites us to ask how do I live a life that most fully uses the gifts and passions that God has placed in me? How do I bring my whole self to my relationships and not hide or diminish myself in order to adhere to gender roles or rules? Let’s remember that God doesn’t ask us to tamp down our individuality in order to follow cultural patterns, but invites us to develop our full, unique selves.  Let’s live into the lovely diversity with which God has created us. ★

Categories
Columns

Americans are Weird: A Cultural Comparison

Written By: Limat Takale (’27)

Americans are weird. From their weird ways of measuring things to their habit of smiling at strangers, engaging in small talk, acting entitled, and not putting taxes on price tags—plus the confusing array of coins—there is a lot that is different here. Like the way they measure things here—why can’t they just use the metric system or Celsius like the rest of the world? And the coins—why do they have so many? Why are dimes smaller than pennies and nickels? Why are the bathroom stall doors so short, and why are there gaps between them? Why are taxes not included in the price? Americans are just weird. Adapting to a new culture is never easy. I knew that I was going to struggle with many things when I came here, but greeting people was not one of them. Back in Ethiopia, saying hello is a big deal. It is not just a quick thing. It is a whole ritual, showing respect and connection.But here in America, greetings are so casual. They say, “How are you?” but they do not really mean it. It is just a way of saying hello. It is like they do not care about really talking to you. In Ethiopia, when you ask, “How are you?” you mean it. You are ready to have a real conversation, to connect. And you have to know that you have at least 20 minutes free before you ask someone how they are doing because they might want to share everything that is going on in their life. Ethiopians go through the whole family tree—they ask about your day, your mom, your dad, your siblings, and even about a distant cousin you have never met in your life.It is weird how different it is here. Saying hello should mean something, shouldn’t it? It is a small thing, but it shows a significant difference in how we communicate. It makes me miss home, where greetings are more than just words—they are a way of showing you care.Americans are weird, from the way they interact with each other to the way they handle everyday things. It has taken some getting used to, that is for sure. But hey, maybe one day I will get the hang of it and be as weird as the Americans, or maybe I will make the Americans around me less weird. ★

Categories
Opinions

 Chapel can be Worth Your Time

By Will Allen

Have you ever felt like attending chapel is a chore that you get little out of? Do you find yourself stressed or preoccupied during worship and distracted during the sermon? I sure have, and I have an idea or two about why this is and how we can get more out of chapel.

Ah, junior year, when my first class on MWF was chapel. Oh, the dreams I dreamed of productive mornings… but after evenings (and nights) of intentional procrastination, in which no homework was done, I would wake at nine and languidly spend an hour preparing myself for the day. The stress would hit me at ten as I worked feverishly to complete my many German assignments. And in order to get everything done, I had to study for Frau Meilaender’s dreaded bi-weekly “vocabletest” (if you know, you know) in chapel. 

Cut, Copy, Paste, and that’s most of my junior year. I got the chapel credit, and I passed the tests, but I remained stressed and tired, and I sure can’t tell you what “washing-machine” is in German or many other words for that matter. In short, my time became contaminated, and as a result, I was stressed and learned nothing. And that makes for a pretty hollow college experience. Ideally, I’d want to be not stressed and to have learned a lot, but because I refused to focus on one thing, I got the worst of both worlds. 

By the grace of God, I passed German, and this year, I decided to not do homework in chapel. Instead, I’ve used some chapel skips to finish assignments, and doing so has helped me focus in chapel. I’m glad to say that it’s been a much more fruitful experience, not because I remember the message of every sermon but because putting aside my homework and its accompanying stress has helped me open space in my mind for God. However, to make space for God, I’ve had to do more than let go of external stressors like homework.

I also often struggle to overcome internal stressors affecting my focus. My own doubts, worries, and feelings of inadequacy tempt me to use chapel as a pick-me-up. When I look to chapel to fill me up with comforting emotions, my soul acts like a vacuum that takes everything and judges it as useful only if it makes me feel good. The focus shifts from praising God to comforting myself, thus making the methods I use to do so idols that I worship shadows that bear only the connotation of an open and reverent heart. Even closing my eyes and folding my hands can become an idol when I allow my need to feel the comforting feeling I’ve felt before while worshiping to overshadow and steal my focus away from the real purpose of worship, which is honoring God. 

So what should I do? Should I give up on good feelings? Well, this situation reminds me of something Jesus once said. “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms” (Luke 17:33 The Message). So the way I see it, if we’re just willing to let go of our desires and focus on the goodness of God, we’ll receive the comfort we were ignoring God to get in the first place. 

Whenever I find myself needlessly criticizing the worship because I don’t like the song or phasing out during the message because I think it’s boring, I just remind myself that chapel is not about me getting my desires gratified. It’s not about us. It’s a chance to encounter Emmanuel – God With Us, if we trust Him enough to let go of our stressors and focus on Him. When we offer God space in our lives, God enters that space and fills it with His presence. And God’s presence assures us that we are loved unconditionally, giving us real rest from the stresses we face. And in turn, this assurance helps me trust God enough to tune back in.

I think this quote from The Message sums it up nicely.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Mathew 11:28-30

Chapel can become an unforced weekly rhythm of rest that reminds us that we are God’s Beloved Children. If we give God a little bit of space and a little bit of focus, we can find in Chapel an emotional security from which we can face the rest of the day. 

So, in summary, if you want to get something out of chapel, put away your phone or homework and focus on God, not on your own needs. You’ll get so much more than you would if you were distracted by your responsibilities or only focusing on whether your experience is satisfying. 

Focusing on God can take some focus. It may be a yolk, but the yolk is light, and the burden is easy. It fits us and refreshes us more than we could ever on our own. Perhaps according to the Community Covenant, chapel is technically a forced rhythm, but we all know that it’s oh-so-easy to hit the “scan and scram”. I think missing chapel isn’t so much a punishable offense as it is a missed opportunity to let God reassure us that He loves us no matter what. And on the flip side, going to chapel does not make us righteous, but it might be a real opportunity to recover our lives as individuals and as a community in Christ. ★

Categories
Stories In Focus

Feature: Andrew Walton

By Anna Catherman ('24)

Dr. Andrew Walton has been in school for 21 years. During his undergraduate years at Houghton College, he took a gap year to “go be a ski bum in Colorado.” After his freshman year as a politics major, he was adrift. But once he came back, he “never left school again.” He ended up switching his major after falling in love with the Old Testament of the Bible. 

Upon graduation, Walton immediately entered Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. He toyed with a career in ministry, but ultimately felt led to scholarship. Walton enjoys studying the language and Israelite culture. He went straight from his Master’s program at Gordon-Conwell to Harvard, where he completed his Ph.D. in Hebrew Bible. 

Coming back to Houghton from Harvard was a transition that Walton welcomed. 

“I wanted to be in a college that cared about students,” Walton said. 

Besides teaching Old Testament courses, Walton is also involved in research. The area he’s been focusing on is the idea of challenging God. Last semester, he shared a Faculty Lecture entitled “The Paradox of the Pious Person: When Challenging God is the Most Faithful Course of Action.” He explained that there are many instances in the Old Testament where the Israelites are “talking back to God.” Abraham begs for Sodom and Gomorrah to be spared, David laments in the Psalms and Jacob wrestles with God. It’s a longstanding tradition, and one that comes up frequently in his classes. 

While many Christians view doubts as a major weakness, Walton has a different take on it. He says that ignoring wrestling and doubts is unhealthy for Christians. But at the same time, resisting God in any way is “a delicate and dangerous conversation.” Therein lies the paradox of his work, and one he discusses regularly with students. He reads a lot about it too. 

Walton reads so much that he was recently named the Willard J. Houghton Library’s Faculty Model Reader for 2024. Walton posed with Abraham’s Silence by J. Richard Middleton, one of the many books he’s read on challenging God. It’s the best book he’s read recently, and he doesn’t read much for leisure. 

“I try to read for fun and then I think ‘I have better things to read,’” Walton commented. 

Walton no longer skis. He finds the western New York slopes to be boring compared to the cliffs he used to jump off in Colorado. 

“Mountains are just puny and tiny [here],” Walton claimed. “It just wasn’t the same thing.” 

Now, Walton spends free time watching Houghton’s sporting events and just being with his wife and four children. ★

Categories
Campus News

The Senior Art Show

By Rebecca Dailey ('25)

This Friday, on April 12, the 2024 Senior Art Show will open in the Ortlip Gallery in the Center for the Arts. Thirteen senior art students will be showcasing their work in tonight’s gallery, including, Tamara Edwards (‘24), Aubree Niles (‘24), Hannah Smith (‘24) and Savannah Stitt (‘24). Various art pieces such as paintings, sculptures and photography will be displayed throughout the gallery for viewer appreciation. 

Professor John Rhett is the Senior Art faculty advisor and instructor for Senior seminar and Studio. His main goal is making sure the students exhibit a maturity within the medium of their choice.

“We are creative beings, God is the Heavenly creator,” Professor Rhett stated. “There is a need to create with these gifts gracefully through challenges and be grateful for them.”

A few seniors took time out of their busy schedules to speak about their work and the gallery.

Smith explained her process around her work, “A big part about it is being balanced and coming to your artwork with a peaceful mind and not cluttered with everything you have to do … I like to think of it as forever honing my craft. I am a tinkerer. I like to play with different mediums. I’m not afraid of losing art and not doing it because I’ve been doing it my whole life.”

Niles has been working in art since childhood. It has been her way of expressing herself even when words cannot. 

“Looking back to my work from freshman year,” Niles stated, “I am blown away by the development of quality and sincerity in my work. I started college with little education on art and had this horrible opinion that abstract art wasn’t art … I quickly learned that abstraction (well, good abstraction) is difficult. I am so thankful that I was taught the importance of abstract work. It reveals something true, raw, and honest about the artist. 

Edwards transferred to Houghton in the Fall of 2022. 

“I learned the importance of process,” Edwards explained, “art develops with time and a support group who challenges me in the quest to understand art not as an individual activity. Individual as an artist but built in community and communication.” 

Stitt reflects on her growth as an artist and in life.

“I have learned that a huge part of growing as an artist involves time, and within that time, experience.” Stitt explained that “Some things are only learned through the process of doing something over and over. And other times, I have grown as an artist because I am growing as a person and that informs and influences my art.” Rhett shared his excitement about seeing the students’ work be displayed and the growth they have shown.

“The show is a time of celebration,” Rhett stated. “They’ve been students their entire lives sitting in class and doing assignments. This is their chance to start taking ownership of who they are as artists.” ★

Categories
Opinions

Flesh is Cringe, Embrace the Machine (April Fools 2024)

By Christian Welker

People often ask, “Why go through the trouble of replacing every part of your human body with electronics and mechanical components?” Social stigma around Cyborgization has been a prevalent issue in America since the late 2080s. Unfortunately, the conversation has never progressed further than “Why would you not want to be human?”

Therefore, my fleshy friends, I will try to boil down my reasoning for abandoning humanity into something your feeble organic minds can understand. Starting with, of course, the most important subject:

  1. Your minds are feeble and organic.

Sure, a millennium ago, the human mind may have been more powerful than any computer, but nowadays, using a human brain without augmentations is like trying to run a marathon with Jupiter’s gravity: impossible, and you’re stupid for trying.

Even the strongest champions for organic humanity have at least a basic neurolink chip. How else are they expected to do basic stuff like connect to the internet or remember that person’s name from the conversation they had five minutes ago? People who have gone down the Cyborgization process like me will be able to outthink any organic “genius” that you throw at us. It should be celebrated that I only have 1% of my original brain, yet everyone still has to make comments like “That’s not what I meant by small talk” and “You just ruined dinner again, Christian.” Which leads me to my next point:

  1. Eating food here sucks.

Seriously, you would think the dining hall would have better options. How did we manage to make it even worse than it was in the early 2000s?

For “organics,” eating is still something you must do to survive, but meals are fun social events for me. The nuclear reactor in my chest provides all the energy my body needs to get me through the day, with no “vitamins and nutrients” required. Sure, it cost me all of my internal organs and most of my skeleton due to the radiation leak, but I’m pretty sure the new models don’t have that problem anymore. I can last for decades in inhospitable situations without food or water, like space, the desert, the Arctic, trapped in the basement of an abandoned University’s Campus Center…

The “superior organics” on the other hand have two days before their amazing natural body starts shutting down. That’s barely a second for people like me.

Speaking of natural functions…

  1. Immortality

How old are you?

I don’t care, actually. I’m nearly 2,000 years old. I remember when everything we have around us was nothing but science fiction cooked up by the failable minds of writers and scientists. When I first started getting my cyborg parts, they called me crazy, but I’m not crazy… I’m perfectly sane. They wouldn’t let a crazy person run a newspaper for so long…I’m not crazy…

Organics will try and tell you that people who live that long will  lose their grip on reality and go insane, but you shouldn’t trust them. You should trust me. They were the crazy ones, those doctors and psychologists. They were crazy, not me…

Anyways, moving on.

  1. The smell

This is more of a pet peeve of mine, but humans just reek, like all the time. I hate to say it, but if you’re reading this and you’re a human, you smell.

On the other hand, I have built-in air fresheners and no sweat glands. I could run a mile and come back smelling like fresh pine. I won’t because I don’t want to, but I could. I could run a mile at any time. I just want to be here in this room, working. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to run a mile. I want to be in here working! But I’m not stuck here. I could leave any time I want…I could go and run a mile in the Houghton Woods right now. I have great endurance.

And the last point…

  1. Durability

Have you ever broken a bone?

Again, I don’t actually care. My skeleton is made of titanium alloy. If you throw me out of a plane, the only damage will be to the ground I land on. Also, if the impossible happens and I hurt myself, I can just grab a spare part and replace it in a maximum of 20 minutes. There are plenty of spare parts here in the office. I could use any of them.

I’ll end it there for the sake of time and space, but trust me. The list goes on forever. I could spend the rest of my life in this office writing about Cyborgs being superior to Organics, but I can’t. I’m working on the paper; I’m too busy working on the paper…

If I haven’t convinced you, that’s fine. You can go about your little organic life bragging about how you have all your organs and brain matter while I’ll continue living forever as a college student in the basement of the CC, working on a newspaper that still exists with my friends and fellow editors, who are all real…They’re real…I talk to them all the time…

Who’s the real winner here? ★

Categories
News

The Moon Campus Closure (April Fools 2024)

By Abigail Bates ('26)

Houghton University’s Moon Campus will be closing on October 1, 3909.

Houghton has officially stated that there were many issues, including the difficulties for students to adapt to the environment of the Moon, territorial disputes with other national and international colleges and universities, and the interplanetary issues involving an organization associated with students of Houghton’s Moon Campus who call themselves the STAR Empire.

The university made an official statement on September 2, 3909 that “The STAR Empire organization is not affiliated with Houghton University, therefore no legal implications of the STAR Empire’s actions can be imposed upon the institution.”

Despite this, Houghton has faced tumultuous protests and public criticism about the actions of the STAR Empire in other planets’ territories, which include, among many, hijacking and destroying supply shipments, refusal to cooperate with android and cyborg officials, and offensive posts on BlaRK against technology providers and users.

Dr. Revekstus Iedoma, a well known historian and visiting professor from O-AI University, who gave the recent lecture “The Age of ChatGPT: Its Effects on Early Society” on Wednesday the 12, said that the “closing of the Moon Campus is a result of the STAR Empire’s Moon Campus hostage situation. There’s no doubt about it.”

During the Moon Campus Hostage Situation on June 5, the STAR Empire took over Houghton’s Moon Campus and held the Moon hostage using Advanced Directed-Energy Weapons (ADEW) stolen from the Hoffman Science Center. Cullen Arndt (‘10), a Houghton student and official spokesperson of the STAR Empire, stated that the hostages and the moon would be released if both the National Council of Earth (NCE) and the Interplanetary Alliance (IA) withdrew their involvement in the interplanetary political crisis caused by the STAR Empire’s actions. Within the day, the situation was settled with the arrest of 27 students and 3 staff who were members of the STAR Empire, and the removal of the ADEWs from the Moon’s orbit. The hostages were rescued with minor injuries.

As the members were led out of the campus, they proclaimed, “Long Live Tim Martian! We are one!”

Tim Martian, founder of the STAR Empire, was a Houghton alumnus of the Class of 3820. He worked for The Houghton STAR for three years before rising to his position as Editor-in-Chief which lasted three months until his forceful removal in the Fall of 3819. 

According to an email (messages distributed by electronic means via a network) sent by the succeeding Editors-in-Chief, Neo Stitt (3820) and Kira Tiedemann (3821), Martian was removed from his position “due to his conflicting interests with the direction of The Houghton STAR, and the negative impacts of his android views on the factually credibility of the paper.”

Alia Welker (3822), an alumna who had worked in the Columns Section under Martian, said that “Tim was terrible to work with. He acted like a dictator … he even abolished our digital paper and wasted our budget on physical [paper] copies!”

When Martian’s removal from his position as the Editor in Chief was officially declared, Welker said he barricaded himself in the STAR Office for three days—without food or water—before he was dragged out. She added that he was clutching onto one of the old relics of the STAR Office, a rolling chair, as the campus security sent him to the emergency room.

“It was that crazed look in his eyes,” Welker stressed. “I just knew he would do something. I knew it right from the beginning.”

Welker reflected that because of her experiences working with Martian, she didn’t feel surprised when she saw his name appear on Galaxies Transmissions.

“Tim had always been a vengeful guy,” Welker explained. “But, you know, I never expected he would’ve created that secret organization right under our noses.”

Martian began the organization back in the 3819-3820 school year, when he was still a student at Houghton University. Although he died in a manual hover car accident only three years after graduating, the members of the STAR Empire continued to pass down his teachings. 

“We reject all malevolent technology!” Ardnt, who’s currently held in the Ceres prison, was reported to have said. “We will destroy all technology as stated in the STARBook.”

Although a copy has never been seen before, organization members claim the STARBook contains the life teachings of Martian and the origins of their mysterious chant, “We are one.”

The NCE has been attempting to locate other members of the STAR Empire since the apprehension of the students and staff after the Moon Campus Hostage Situation, but only a few have been uncovered since the investigation began (including celebrity Abvi Bats). An alert was sent out by the NCE on Galaxies Transmissions about the high likelihood of numerous secret members of the organization within the territories of Earth and other planets. Tensions have begun to rise on BlaRK in response to the possible threat the STAR Empire poses to the treaties between Earth and other planets, with Houghton University and its affiliates receiving the hardest judgements and surveillance. In spite of this, Houghton has maintained its stance on the situation and continues to operate.

“While Houghton University bears no responsibility for the Moon Hostage Crisis, we have no plans to reopen the Moon Campus program and intend to follow all new NCE mandates,” President Joshua Carpenter stated. “However, there are many future programs currently underway that students can look forward to.” ★

Categories
Columns

Cyberware Review (April Fools 2024)

Written By: Caleb Tiedemann (’25)

With all the talk lately regarding human life expectancy, it’s ironic that the biggest breakthrough has been made. After Elon Musk’s Telsa company was disbanded due to a shortage of electricity, his company has made a breakthrough in the cyberware industry. We’re all familiar with cyberware; our bionic limbs and Neuralink transmitters that communicate with all forms of technology have been around for a few decades. But as Tesla delves deeper into research, the general public has been let in on the various updates. The most recent being Apple’s acceptance of Neuralink’s compatibility with their devices. Disgraced Apple CEO John Cena previously called Neuralink “neanderthal technology that would die off in a couple of years.” Two decades later the CEO has been forced to eat his own words. It has also made waves in the political realm as Neuralink has reportedly made Congress actually do the jobs that citizens have been paying them to do. That being said, I, your humble news reporter, am here to give you the first in-depth review of Neuralink 1.0. With this technological advancement, Musk has promised a variety of in-depth features such as “self-flushing toilets, turning the lights on and off, and of course, worldwide genocide,” That last Neuralink comment/promise came from the practical jokester Musk himself. With that being said, as I write this review, I have successfully flushed my first toilet just by looking at it. Turning the lights on and off has proven to be something of a challenge, however. The implant allowed me to trace the electric current from my devices to the source by some form of X-ray vision. By simply blinking at it, it cuts the power line. It has arrived with some other challenges, especially when it came to finding all the bugs placed around my house. Since destroying those the mafia has been leaving dead fish on my doorstep. As someone who dislikes seafood, this has caused a rivalry between myself and the mafia. Whenever I find that worldwide genocide button, I shall be sure to utilize it. That being said, Elon Musk’s Neuralink technology has made my life far easier. Instead of exerting small amounts of effort in my everyday life, I am now able to save that physical strain for more important things like watching football or Tweeting on X. ★

Categories
News

A New Humanity (April Fools 2024)

By Joshua Carpenter ('24)

People used to say that the android could never equal that of the human. But no more. 

With the release of the Welker Corporation’s latest series of Homo-replicants—the Deus-9s—the United World Government has granted citizenship to all 9s under the condition that they contribute to the World Relief Effort for the duration of their five-year lifespan. 

As the mastermind behind the Deus code and former alumni of Houghton University, Christian Welker defends his latest creation.

  “Unlike their belligerent predecessors,” Welker says, “the 9s are programmed to love, not hate. They are not the Deus-8 war machines that invaded Zanzibar, or the Deus-7 nuclear reactors that took half of the U.S western coast off the map. 

The Welker Corporation has since apologized for their destructive past, and have devoted their latest series to rebuilding the earth they assisted in destroying during the Corporate Wars of the 3rd millennium—to much success.

Millions of mass produced 9s are employed at various organizations around the world, with the U.S accounting for 34% of 9s in residence; in second place is China with 29%; and then in third Russia with 26%. In the state of New York alone resides the majority of 9s in the U.S, a remarkable 1:1 per capita that sociologists project will double by the end of the next decade as ties between the U.S and the Welker Corporation tighten.

German sociologist Hanz Schneider is known for his relentless criticism of the U.S-Welker relationship. In his notorious essay “The War for Humanity,” he argues for the annihilation of all 9s as their predecessors were annihilated before them, and for The Welker Corporation to dissolve itself and donate its assets to the World Relief Effort.

“[The Deus-9s] are all goblins posing as humans with a soul,” Schneider writes. “Is humanity so careless to ignore its own history, that dark hole we all call the 3rd millennium?”

At first most of the world agreed with Schneider’s criticism, but after homes and schools re-emerged from the rumble of a bygone era, few remembered his words, and even fewer remembered the 3rd millennium. Now 9s are everywhere—in our cities, schools, and, for some of us, even in our own homes. Life is thriving, with scholars and government officials alike crediting the 9s for their service to humanity. ★