Kevin Biondolillo – Houghton STAR

Not many people know that I come from a long line of men and women with depression and suicidal attitudes, including two suicides within my lifetime. In fact, my uncle killed himself the month before I came to Houghton. Firsthand, between high school and college, I have experienced the mind and body numbing effects of depression on my body, my mind, and my soul. As you can imagine, I have spent many hours wondering about my family history, my legacy of mental illness. Now, recently becoming engaged to be married, the fear that I will pass on such a legacy to my future children is crippling. Can there truly be nothing new under the sun? Are we doomed to struggle under the difficulties of our parents, and their parents before them?

Photo by: Anthony Burdo

I have found my comfort in psychology. To those of you not familiar to the discipline, that may sound as though I have found comfort by embracing the cold sterility of scientific reasoning and the dissociation from emotional expression. Quite the opposite in my case.

Echoed throughout all psychology courses and sub-disciplines, students are taught the complex relationship between nature and nurture, which was debated long before psychologists first began questioning this relationship. Are we just a product of our circumstances, our culture, our family and friends, or are we just

pre-programmed by a script of code by a genetic instruction manuals? The simple fact is both nature and nurture are critical to our lives, and they are so intertwined in their effects that is impossible to trace an element about ourselves to one locus point.

Yes, depression seems to run as a swath through the genetic code, but as I realized over my very depression-wrought sophomore year, there is more than genetics involved in the severity of depression in a person’s life. In my extended family, alcohol is a large environmental factor that has systematically ruined many lives. I don’t mean drinking alcohol in moderation is inherently corrupting or evil. However, drinking was, and still is used by large portions of my extended family as an escape, one that they use daily. My uncle was always depressed, but it was when he was drunk that his suicidal thoughts became so severe that he enacted them. He was drunk on the night he shot himself. My grandmother was reduced to a husk of her former self by her alcoholism, which destroyed the relationship my mother wished to have with her in her teenage years. This is why my mother abstains from all alcohol, and why I have determined never to drink as an escape. Alcohol lowers inhibition and lets the chilling claws of depression sink in.

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The failings in family’s legacy also taught me something else important in my battle with depression: the dangers of societal withdrawal. My uncle lived alone in a two story house, my grandmother spent a great deal of time away from her children and husband even within her own house, and my great-uncle’s body wasn’t discovered in his trailer until days after he killed himself. I’m not saying a romantic and/or sexual relationship combats depression (though I believe a healthy one may), it is making connections to even one friend that can act as a lifeline in particularly low times. My girlfriend was my lifeline during my sophomore year, but I learned the value of having many lifelines by finding friends who truly cared about my well-being. Houghton is one of the best places to find those connections, and I urge you to seek them out.

My legacy has left me with a lifelong struggle of depression, but it has taught me what exacerbates depression, such as alcoholism, and cutting off social and familial ties. We are not resigned to the same fate as our generations before us. We can learn from our legacies and fix both our own lives, and those of our children even if we can never solve the entire problem. This is what I seek to do, and I hope you all do as well, whether the topic relates to depression, abuse, spirituality, or sexuality.

Kevin is a senior majoring in psychology and writing.

When Christianese Doesn’t Cut It

Comfort. There are many times in a person’s life when they find that they must try to console someone else. Sometimes it is a stranger that is beside themselves in grief, other times it is a depressed friend, and still more it may be a relative who has lost a loved one. Regardless of the “who” or the “why”, comforting is something that we here in Houghton, as Christian college students, are called to do. Like myself, you may not be an experienced comforter, but because of this it is even more important that we learn how to comfort when the need arises.

Kevin RGB Every year I realize more and more that both myself and my peers need comfort as we experience more of what living in a fallen world entails: stress, depression, injustice, and death, just to name a few. I also realize as years pass, there is not one universal way that people go about comforting each other. Due to our unique nature, different strategies have been very effective for certain individuals. However, there are some strategies that I have noticed to be quite harmful. Given our focus as a Christian college, I think that the most important of these primarily damaging strategies to address is the use of common Christian phrases or Christianese.

For example, let’s say that one of your dorm mates had just recently lost his father and you were in a conversation with him. When he bursts into tears and tells you of how hard it has been for him knowing that he couldn’t interact with his father anymore, you would likely feel compelled to say something. Any phrase you may think of beginning with a disagreement needs to be avoided, such as the words “but”, “at least”, and “don’t worry.” Such a beginning unintentionally evokes in a hurting person that his/her feelings are incorrect or that the importance of their feelings is being diminished. This can be difficult for Christians because phrases like, “Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon” and, “At least you know that God has a plan in this” come naturally to our mind, or at least they do for me. These statements cause a barrier to form between us and the suffering individual.

Furthermore, hurting people do not want to hear that the death of someone they loved, and the suffering that they are enduring, is part of God’s plan. Even if I believe that and the sufferer believes that, I’m not going to tell them because it is too confusing and painful for them to think about in the moment. Based on both personal experience and on the experience of others I have talked to, I can guarantee that trying to focus on how a tragedy fits into God’s plan causes depression and anger against our creator if explored in the context of processing grief or stress. Therefore, common Christian statements should be avoided if they challenge what the suffering person feels in the moment, or if they cause more confusion about the question of why that is already present in their mind. Prudence is therefore highly necessary.

I have addressed what should most definitely be avoided in attempt to comfort a peer, but not what should be done. According to my personal experiences as both the comforter and the comforted, I find that acknowledging a sufferer’s feelings and offering yourself as someone to listen to their feelings in the future is highly effective. No specific statement of comfort needs to be said, although “I understand” can display to the sufferer that you are actively listening. Bottled up, my feelings tend to gnaw at me and the best way to begin working through them is to dump them all out on a table like a large jigsaw puzzle. I believe that after expressing our emotions to others, be them close friends and family or complete strangers (for some people, strangers are easier to expose our emotions to), we can begin reassembling the pieces of ourselves and heal.

Expression does not come easily for everyone. I myself am extremely reluctant to express what I feel deep in my heart to even my closest friends, but even I can’t help but admit that it helps to speak and to have an ear to speak to. Even if the emotions that are expressed are those contrary to the fruit of the spirit that we Christians live our lives trying to portray, it is important and even essential to let these emotions out. Venting our anger and confusion, followed by a determination to not ruminate on these feelings allows us to process them and heal in a way that being reminded of the fruits of “peace” and “kindness” cannot in the wake of suffering.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, even for those of us who have Christ in our heart, but I urge you all as fellow sufferers to avoid Christianese when comfort is needed. Instead, express your feelings to one another, be compassionate listeners, and avoid suppressing “counter-Christian” feelings in the early stages of suffering.