Tag: April Fools

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Opinions

Flesh is Cringe, Embrace the Machine (April Fools 2024)

By Christian Welker

People often ask, “Why go through the trouble of replacing every part of your human body with electronics and mechanical components?” Social stigma around Cyborgization has been a prevalent issue in America since the late 2080s. Unfortunately, the conversation has never progressed further than “Why would you not want to be human?”

Therefore, my fleshy friends, I will try to boil down my reasoning for abandoning humanity into something your feeble organic minds can understand. Starting with, of course, the most important subject:

  1. Your minds are feeble and organic.

Sure, a millennium ago, the human mind may have been more powerful than any computer, but nowadays, using a human brain without augmentations is like trying to run a marathon with Jupiter’s gravity: impossible, and you’re stupid for trying.

Even the strongest champions for organic humanity have at least a basic neurolink chip. How else are they expected to do basic stuff like connect to the internet or remember that person’s name from the conversation they had five minutes ago? People who have gone down the Cyborgization process like me will be able to outthink any organic “genius” that you throw at us. It should be celebrated that I only have 1% of my original brain, yet everyone still has to make comments like “That’s not what I meant by small talk” and “You just ruined dinner again, Christian.” Which leads me to my next point:

  1. Eating food here sucks.

Seriously, you would think the dining hall would have better options. How did we manage to make it even worse than it was in the early 2000s?

For “organics,” eating is still something you must do to survive, but meals are fun social events for me. The nuclear reactor in my chest provides all the energy my body needs to get me through the day, with no “vitamins and nutrients” required. Sure, it cost me all of my internal organs and most of my skeleton due to the radiation leak, but I’m pretty sure the new models don’t have that problem anymore. I can last for decades in inhospitable situations without food or water, like space, the desert, the Arctic, trapped in the basement of an abandoned University’s Campus Center…

The “superior organics” on the other hand have two days before their amazing natural body starts shutting down. That’s barely a second for people like me.

Speaking of natural functions…

  1. Immortality

How old are you?

I don’t care, actually. I’m nearly 2,000 years old. I remember when everything we have around us was nothing but science fiction cooked up by the failable minds of writers and scientists. When I first started getting my cyborg parts, they called me crazy, but I’m not crazy… I’m perfectly sane. They wouldn’t let a crazy person run a newspaper for so long…I’m not crazy…

Organics will try and tell you that people who live that long will  lose their grip on reality and go insane, but you shouldn’t trust them. You should trust me. They were the crazy ones, those doctors and psychologists. They were crazy, not me…

Anyways, moving on.

  1. The smell

This is more of a pet peeve of mine, but humans just reek, like all the time. I hate to say it, but if you’re reading this and you’re a human, you smell.

On the other hand, I have built-in air fresheners and no sweat glands. I could run a mile and come back smelling like fresh pine. I won’t because I don’t want to, but I could. I could run a mile at any time. I just want to be here in this room, working. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to run a mile. I want to be in here working! But I’m not stuck here. I could leave any time I want…I could go and run a mile in the Houghton Woods right now. I have great endurance.

And the last point…

  1. Durability

Have you ever broken a bone?

Again, I don’t actually care. My skeleton is made of titanium alloy. If you throw me out of a plane, the only damage will be to the ground I land on. Also, if the impossible happens and I hurt myself, I can just grab a spare part and replace it in a maximum of 20 minutes. There are plenty of spare parts here in the office. I could use any of them.

I’ll end it there for the sake of time and space, but trust me. The list goes on forever. I could spend the rest of my life in this office writing about Cyborgs being superior to Organics, but I can’t. I’m working on the paper; I’m too busy working on the paper…

If I haven’t convinced you, that’s fine. You can go about your little organic life bragging about how you have all your organs and brain matter while I’ll continue living forever as a college student in the basement of the CC, working on a newspaper that still exists with my friends and fellow editors, who are all real…They’re real…I talk to them all the time…

Who’s the real winner here? ★

Categories
News

The Moon Campus Closure (April Fools 2024)

The Moon Campus - Courtesy of Savannah Stitt
By Abigail Bates ('26)

Houghton University’s Moon Campus will be closing on October 1, 3909.

Houghton has officially stated that there were many issues, including the difficulties for students to adapt to the environment of the Moon, territorial disputes with other national and international colleges and universities, and the interplanetary issues involving an organization associated with students of Houghton’s Moon Campus who call themselves the STAR Empire.

The university made an official statement on September 2, 3909 that “The STAR Empire organization is not affiliated with Houghton University, therefore no legal implications of the STAR Empire’s actions can be imposed upon the institution.”

Despite this, Houghton has faced tumultuous protests and public criticism about the actions of the STAR Empire in other planets’ territories, which include, among many, hijacking and destroying supply shipments, refusal to cooperate with android and cyborg officials, and offensive posts on BlaRK against technology providers and users.

Dr. Revekstus Iedoma, a well known historian and visiting professor from O-AI University, who gave the recent lecture “The Age of ChatGPT: Its Effects on Early Society” on Wednesday the 12, said that the “closing of the Moon Campus is a result of the STAR Empire’s Moon Campus hostage situation. There’s no doubt about it.”

During the Moon Campus Hostage Situation on June 5, the STAR Empire took over Houghton’s Moon Campus and held the Moon hostage using Advanced Directed-Energy Weapons (ADEW) stolen from the Hoffman Science Center. Cullen Arndt (‘10), a Houghton student and official spokesperson of the STAR Empire, stated that the hostages and the moon would be released if both the National Council of Earth (NCE) and the Interplanetary Alliance (IA) withdrew their involvement in the interplanetary political crisis caused by the STAR Empire’s actions. Within the day, the situation was settled with the arrest of 27 students and 3 staff who were members of the STAR Empire, and the removal of the ADEWs from the Moon’s orbit. The hostages were rescued with minor injuries.

As the members were led out of the campus, they proclaimed, “Long Live Tim Martian! We are one!”

Tim Martian, founder of the STAR Empire, was a Houghton alumnus of the Class of 3820. He worked for The Houghton STAR for three years before rising to his position as Editor-in-Chief which lasted three months until his forceful removal in the Fall of 3819. 

According to an email (messages distributed by electronic means via a network) sent by the succeeding Editors-in-Chief, Neo Stitt (3820) and Kira Tiedemann (3821), Martian was removed from his position “due to his conflicting interests with the direction of The Houghton STAR, and the negative impacts of his android views on the factually credibility of the paper.”

Alia Welker (3822), an alumna who had worked in the Columns Section under Martian, said that “Tim was terrible to work with. He acted like a dictator … he even abolished our digital paper and wasted our budget on physical [paper] copies!”

When Martian’s removal from his position as the Editor in Chief was officially declared, Welker said he barricaded himself in the STAR Office for three days—without food or water—before he was dragged out. She added that he was clutching onto one of the old relics of the STAR Office, a rolling chair, as the campus security sent him to the emergency room.

“It was that crazed look in his eyes,” Welker stressed. “I just knew he would do something. I knew it right from the beginning.”

Welker reflected that because of her experiences working with Martian, she didn’t feel surprised when she saw his name appear on Galaxies Transmissions.

“Tim had always been a vengeful guy,” Welker explained. “But, you know, I never expected he would’ve created that secret organization right under our noses.”

Martian began the organization back in the 3819-3820 school year, when he was still a student at Houghton University. Although he died in a manual hover car accident only three years after graduating, the members of the STAR Empire continued to pass down his teachings. 

“We reject all malevolent technology!” Ardnt, who’s currently held in the Ceres prison, was reported to have said. “We will destroy all technology as stated in the STARBook.”

Although a copy has never been seen before, organization members claim the STARBook contains the life teachings of Martian and the origins of their mysterious chant, “We are one.”

The NCE has been attempting to locate other members of the STAR Empire since the apprehension of the students and staff after the Moon Campus Hostage Situation, but only a few have been uncovered since the investigation began (including celebrity Abvi Bats). An alert was sent out by the NCE on Galaxies Transmissions about the high likelihood of numerous secret members of the organization within the territories of Earth and other planets. Tensions have begun to rise on BlaRK in response to the possible threat the STAR Empire poses to the treaties between Earth and other planets, with Houghton University and its affiliates receiving the hardest judgements and surveillance. In spite of this, Houghton has maintained its stance on the situation and continues to operate.

“While Houghton University bears no responsibility for the Moon Hostage Crisis, we have no plans to reopen the Moon Campus program and intend to follow all new NCE mandates,” President Joshua Carpenter stated. “However, there are many future programs currently underway that students can look forward to.” ★

Categories
News

A Star is Born (We Are One) (STAR April Fools 2023)

A Rendering of the Phenomena Based on Chaapel's Description -- Courtesy of Savanna Stitt
By Jax Johnson

The strangest of occurrences were reported over the past weekend. Word has spread that a bright light was seen originating from the Houghton STAR office. This bright light was first discovered by Senior Skye Chaapel late one night. They explained the events saying, “As I was walking to the printer one night, past the STAR office, I noticed an odd glow coming from their door’s window.  It was a strange, bluish white glow.  When I peeked my head into view of the window, I saw something that I would never believe if I hadn’t seen it for myself.  The members of the STAR were turning INTO a star in front of my very eyes!  I watched as things started to melt in their office from the heat.  I had to back away otherwise I might have started to melt!” It is quite a relief that Chaapel got away from the situation without harm. The office itself was another question, which certainly required further investigation. 

After getting hearing from Chaapel, I knew this issue needed an expert. I decided to call on Houghton’s own private investigator Hans Rothenbulah and we met to discuss the Star office oddities. “As I vuz vawking past zuh Star Office, I noticed a peculiah light emanating from inside. I tried zuh door vunce, but it vuz locked, so I vent back to my uhzer inwestigation for zeez miniscule Kuhs,” he explained while holding out a few tiny plastic cows with 4-22 written on them. 

Multiple reports note that members of the STAR staff have been acting strangely. But becoming a real star? That is certainly fascinating news. Thankfully Chaapel is not alone in their reports.  Junior Johanna Lamont noted that she recently found that the editors of the STAR have not been their usual selves. 

“It’s weird but the star editors have been acting super odd recently. I can’t put my finger on the change but something is different I guarantee.” Lamont continued by expressing that the editors have had a particularly glowing presence recently. 

Unfortunately, the cameras within the office seem to have melted, so more information as to the incident Chaapel witnessed cannot be fully ascertained, but it is clear that something odd is happening in that room. This article is one that may leave more questions than answers.  Do they all share the same thoughts, or does each point of the star function separately?  Who is going to pay for the melted cameras? How much heat does a STAR editor give off? Are members of the Lantern at risk of a similar affliction? It seems that only time, and perhaps some bright STAR editors may hold the answers. ★

We Are One

We Are One

We Are One

We Are One

We Are One

Categories
Stories In Focus

Feature: STARbot 9000 (STAR April Fools 2023)

Houghton University as seen by STARBot
by STARbot 9000

Due to several non-financial reasons, The Administration of Houghton University is introducing a new plan to replace the Houghton STAR’s Editing and Writing Team with Artificial Intelligence. This is a test of the STARBot system discussing President Wayne D. Lewis’ response to the recent controversy:

Houghton University recently experienced a major conflict involving the Board of Trustees and faculty and students. The faculty wanted the Board of Trustees to prevent the University’s President from implementing new policies. However, President Bill Guerrera told the Board that faculty and students could vote against the new policies. The faculty did not agree to the President’s request. The Board backed down and agreed to allow the faculty and students to vote on the creation of a student union.

The Jules L. Bailey Alumni House, originally built in 1931, is located at the corner of High and Bainbridge streets in downtown Houghton. The house was the home of Dr. Jules L. Bailey, a Houghton native who graduated from Houghton College in 1875. Bailey is best remembered for his involvement in the family business, the creation of the mining industry, and for his early involvement in the Latter-day Saint movement in Houghton, which resulted in his founding of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The home has since been restored and is a tourist destination for the Houghton community.

The Kishwaukee Chamber of Commerce will recognize 40 graduates from the business program during its 38th Annual Golf Outing and Awards Dinner on Friday, May 26, at The Villages Golf Course. Out of 40 graduates, 36 have found employment, three are still searching for a job and the other one is employed full time and volunteering in his community. Graduates from the engineering and management program will receive special recognition.

Four local business owners have joined together to form an economic revitalization group. The six-member group will meet with the Houghton-based private sector business owners to “share ideas, create a vision and develop a plan to further the prosperity of Houghton and our surrounding communities. The group’s initial focus will be on rural economic development.”

“A business group has been needed in our community for years. Having one now will be helpful for revitalization efforts in our towns. It’s never too late to make the change that is right for a community and that is the mindset I hope this group will have.” said Laurie Maulden, vice president of Kishwaukee Chamber of Commerce Board of Directors.

The group’s by-laws will include a corporate director from each business’ group (two from Ewing-Morton, two from Delavan, two from Kewanee and one from Hancock) that will direct and oversee the group. The corporate director will assist in the development of committees, oversee fundraising efforts, chair monthly meetings, and serve as spokesperson for the group.

If you or your business group is interested in joining the Kishwaukee Business Group, contact a Chamber of Commerce representative at 309-822-8366 or KWCCinfo@KishwaukeeChamber.org.

The district also saw a change in school board member April Jeffs. She was elected to the school board in April to replace Wayne Rine. Jeffs has worked as the principal at Richfield Elementary School for the past three years and is a 1987 graduate of Houghton High School.

Juvenile cases that were referred to the Houghton Police Department have decreased by 24.5 percent compared to 2016. These cases, which consist of both Houghton and Kewanee students, primarily involve various forms of violence. The most prevalent cause of these cases is possession of marijuana or other drugs. The Houghton Police Department takes a zero-tolerance approach when it comes to illegal drugs.

With graduation on the horizon, the Houghton-area social calendar is filling up. The Houghton Public Library hosted their Third Annual Graduation ceremony on May 10. The district had two graduating classes: Houghton High School and Richfield Elementary School. The Richfield Elementary School graduation will be held at 11 a.m. on June 7, in the Library. This is a fun and exciting event for families of Houghton students!

Houghton College graduation ceremonies will be held on Friday, June 9 and Saturday, June 10. High school and college students will be.

If you have any feedback on how the STARBot system did.

Keep it to yourself. Silence is Golden. ★

Categories
Columns

Houghton STAR Review (STAR April Fools 2023)

By [REDACTED]

WARNING: This is not satire!

This is a cry for help coming from an unspecified STAR official. If you are thinking about joining the STAR team: DO NOT! It is a place of pure terror. Everyone who joins is treated as less than human. Near the end of this upcoming year, the evil and terrifyingly tall Christian Welker intends to overthrow Victoria Hock in a bid to become the leader. Victoria is in her senior year and has been fighting for far too long; I fear she will go down in flames. But once Christian establishes his reign as an eye of Sauron-type figure, the rest of us will be forced to follow his lead. 

Joining his conquest is Joshua Carpenter, a real-life juggernaut. He will probably serve as second-in-command, servicing every one of Christian’s evil desires. Day in and day out they lounge around under the belief of assured destruction come the end of the year. Once they achieve their goals, I fear we may be unable to stop them from corrupting the rest of the campus. One of the biggest tells thus far is how they seem to know everything that’s going on. They have the stories and news before the rest of the campus. I suspect dirty dealings with faculty. Both have admitted close “friendships” with certain professors. But what do they and professors have in common? Wanting to see fellow students suffer under harsh leadership and work hours!

The biggest problem comes with the newer recruits such as Victoria Arndt and Caleb Tiedemann. Both are confined to horrendous work hours, constantly having to find people to write articles and edit the STAR to perfection, under a penetrating gaze. When it does not come out perfect, threats fly and punishments are dealt. These punishments include eating Metz food, being confined in a Big Al’s booth, and worse! Arndt and Tiedemann are given the quotes and works of other students to be edited and made their own. 

Another STAR staff member, Savannah Stitt, is constantly forced to run around and take pictures of various students and events for Christian’s big brother takeover. He MUST know everything that is happening. She acts as a scout, lurking in the shadows, neither seen nor heard to get the best pictures possible, spying on certain clubs and article writers that could very possibly help Christian in his quest for power. 

I urge everyone reading this to look out for the STAR- it is not what it claims to be, it is an institution of black site operations. I request that the college stops looking over the cries of anguish of all the STAR staff members and calls to arms for the necessary reinforcements against Christian and Joshua, for they are indeed an unstoppable duo capable of only the most heinous of crimes. My name is [REDACTED] and as a writer, I stand to be the voice of the people and will not let [REDACTED]★

Message from the Co-Editor-in-Chief:

We apologize for the confusion and fear. This writer has clearly lost their mind and is no longer fit to work within our wonderfully non-evil club. The perpetrator has been sufficiently dealt with and will not taint our wonderful news pages any longer. 

On a completely unrelated and equally non-evil note, we are looking for a new News Editor to replace my minion the current News Editor Josh Carpenter as he steps into the Co-Editor-in-Chief position, replacing Victoria, who will be sorely missed.

Thank you for your consideration, we apologize again for the startling and completely false review.

Long live the Editor-in-Chief

Thank you and have a good day,

Christian D. Welker

Categories
Opinions

Why the Earth is Flat and You are Wrong (STAR April Fools 2023)

By Elizabeth Sutay

We live in an age where fake news is as common as a rainy day. We are told that Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard person, that Jonah was swallowed by an alien spaceship, and that the new Star Wars movies weren’t just an elaborate fever dream. However, the largest case of widespread misinformation concerns the shape of the place we all live. Most would tell you that it is round, and that would be a lie, as the Earth is in fact flat. As anyone can clearly see by looking outside their window, other than the hills, bumps, and curves, the terrain is completely flat. The idea that the world is actually round has been spreading like wildfire due to the easy access to misinformation provided by the internet. Minority voices with absurd theories get projected as loud as the truth, and those with similar beliefs will flock together to create groups such as the Round Earth Society. This then allows others who are more susceptible to influences to find them and join in their strange beliefs. 

This coverup started to pick up pace in the 1780s by the British government as they sent their criminals to “Australia”. In reality, Australia is not real, and the British were simply sending them off the side of the world. To keep the peace, they instead claimed to be sending them to an island in the middle of the ocean, one that is filled with deadly made-up creatures never seen in Europe, like the koala. This would allow the British to continue shipping off their criminals without concern, and the threat of the dangerous creatures would keep curious people away. In the present day, the lie has continued, and elaborate systems are set up on the island of New Zealand to keep up the facade of an ‘Australia’ existing. 

In preparation for this article, I spoke to a professional on this subject that wished to remain anonymous, but they further elaborated on the  topic. According to them, there are studies people can do at home that prove the Round Earth theory to be completely false. For example, taking a marble and placing it on the top of a slope results in it rolling down to the bottom. However, using a metal marble and a strong enough magnet, the marble will not move. This clearly illustrates how gravity works in the Flat Earth model, while completely disproving the Round Earth model. Alternatively, looking up at the sky on a clear night reveals the stars. In the Flat Earth model, no matter where a person is, they will look up and see those stars. In the Round Earth model, those stars would be at different angles around the “globe”. As the former is true, this points to even more evidence of the Flat Earth model. The professional concluded their statements with “Pretty sure I read that on the internet somewhere, so it must be true.”

With free access to the internet, blatantly false information such as the Round Earth theory is left unchecked as it continues to grow. To combat this rampant misinformation, we must let all research and findings be published to mainstream media and treated with the same respect. Furthermore, to prevent the censorship of the truth, only trusted sources should be allowed to post the information online, and to ensure the free spread of this information, there should be an information tax that goes into protection against misinformation, allowing those who pay to share it with a large audience. With the government involved in creating and spreading these lies, there should be an additional branch of the military strictly dedicated to protecting this information. With these steps, hopefully the truth can become more abundant than the lies. ★

Categories
News

Mac Lab Mannequin Mishaps (STAR April Fools 2023)

An Artistic Rendering of what Joshua Experienced -- Courtesy of Savannah Stitt
By Joshua Carpenter

Last night, Mar. 30, Junior Joshua Carpenter was found in the MacLab ceiling bound from the neck down in computer cables.  

The first responder on the scene was Safety and Security Guard Todd Williamson, who only works at night due to a restraining order he received from hunting down and restraining scan-and-scrammers during chapel.

“I don’t know how else to explain it,” says Mr. Williamson, “but there was this weird monster-like growl coming from the MacLab as soon as I entered the Chamberlain Center.” 

Although by the time Mr. Williamson arrived at the MacLab, the growling stopped. 

“Then there was nothing,” says Mr. Williamson. “Out of fear, I spun around my Houghton-issued Red Ryder BB gun and checked the room for any potential threats.” 

By the time Mr. Williamson had cleared the room, he heard struggling from above, which was immediately followed by Carpenter’s bound body breaking through the ceiling and falling on the floor in front of Mr. Williamson. 

“It scared me pale,” says Mr. Williamson. “The kid nearly fell on my head he was so close to me. I tried to see if he was alright, but the fall had knocked him unconscious.” 

Covering Carpenter’s mouth was a thick layer of duct tape. After peeling the tape from Carpenter’s mouth, Mr. Williamson listened in confusion as Carpenter screamed in terror. 

“It was like he was looking right through me – in the gaping hole that became of the ceiling, in which there was nothing, nothing until there appeared something so horrible that defies all logic. Out from there, in the dark space above us, peeked the head of a woman with long black hair, but with the plastic face of a mannequin.” 

However, in the next instant, the face retreated into the ceiling as Mr. Harrison rushed Carpenter out of the MacLab and into the night. 

After Mr. Williamson saw to Carpenter’s health, they immediately reported the incident to The Houghton STAR’s News Editor, Joshua Carpenter (‘24), who has no relation to the previously described Carpenter. In the interview that followed, it was discovered that the MacLab has a small civilization of mannequin heads in its ceiling.  

Free of his cable bounds by the heroism of Mr. Williamson, Carpenter describes what he saw dwelling in the dark recess of the MacLab’s ceiling: 

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Mannequins on fire in the ceiling of the MacLab… I watched plastic talk in the dark while I was the only human around. All those moments will haunt me in time, like eyes that never close.” 

Mr. Williamson shared concerns of his own, for himself, Carpenter, and any other student who may fall victim to the mannequins in the ceiling. 

“Yeah, what he said.” 

As of today, Mar. 31, Mr. Williamson has resigned from his position of Safety and Security guard and has retired to a remote location to live out the rest of his life with his wife.  

Carpenter, however, is nowhere to be found. All that is known of his whereabouts is that he left the Campus Center in the direction of the rising sun. 

His last known words were as follows: 

“Beware of Gwendolyn.” ★