By Caleb Choate
Tonight, I cut my son’s hair for the first time. At twenty-five, I have never cut anyone’s hair save my own. As I fumble with a pair of dull sheers, slowly hacking away at thin whisps of sun-bleached toddler-mullet, Juliana scrapes bacon fat from a pan into a jar. Lawson watches an old re-run of Little Bear, practicing simple sentences like, “Father Bear is fishing” and “Duck is really loud.” Next month, Juliana and I will celebrate our third wedding anniversary. Last month, we celebrated Lawson’s second birthday.
Our small, young family grows out of a phenomenon found in Christian Liberal Arts institutions known as “ring by spring.” It’s a tradition true to its name: before graduating, many students will get engaged and will marry shortly after commencement. It is a phenomenon familiar to Houghton: many of you will experience this first hand.
A quick Google search of the term “ring by spring” reveals that the tradition is polarizing. Articles (published by college presses at other Christian universities) with titles such as “Rejecting Ring by Spring,” and “Beyond the ‘Ring by Spring’ Culture” rise to the top.
I don’t get the hate.
Heading into our third anniversary, we can happily say that getting married young and starting a family right away is the best thing we have ever done. We feel this way because we recognize marriage isn’t merely a social choice, a “next step” in a relationship, or a contract. Marriage is a vocation.
By “vocation,” I don’t mean marriage is simply a job (though it requires work). I mean it in the religious sense: vocations are lifelong paths to holiness that God calls us to, and these vocations are most perfectly lived out in humble service to others. Vocations, in this sense, have the power to shape our entire perspective: they define who we are, and they inform how we engage with the world around us. Vocations become among the truest ontological realities known to us. They become central to our concept of what it is “to be.”
This is why I think marriage is good for young people: it sets our priorities straight.
Our culture tells young people to live for themselves. The buzzword of our generation is “self-care.” Society would make you believe that you’re failing to live up to your potential if you aren’t chasing a lucrative career, enrolling in graduate school, or traveling abroad. These three things are all good things. But they aren’t everything. They don’t define us. They aren’t “vocational” in the truest sense.
When you get married young and start a family (and yes, I do assume that the call to marriage and the call to raise children according to God’s timeline are divinely inseparable), you quickly realize just how insubstantial other pursuits are. When you become a spouse and a parent, the concern you once had for your well-being shifts, and you find yourself driven to provide for the other. There is sanctifying grace in saying no to myself and yes to my spouse. There is sanctifying grace in the 2:00 A.M. shift of trying (and often failing) to console a wailing newborn.
Thomas Merton has a beautiful quote that captures this reality. He says, “Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.”
If I am a husband and a father, and if what I say about vocation is true, then imagine how I might live my life if at the center of my self-concept is the conviction that I ought to live as a gift for my wife and my son. Imagine how small the sideline desires in one’s life might become when striving to love your family well becomes both the hard-fought struggle and daily reward.
Imagine learning selflessness in your early twenties.
I believe raising Christ-centered families is the antidote to our generation’s self-infatuation. That is why I am a proponent of “ring by spring.” Now, here’s what I am not saying. I’m not saying that everyone ought to get married and marry young. For some, God truly is calling them to singleness. And that, too, is a vocation. As a single person, you are more free and available to be the hands and feet of Christ than I am as a married man. That is a beautiful and powerful thing. For others, the desire to marry young is there, but things just don’t play out that way. Others yet do get married young with the intent to raise children but suffer infertility. God is present and working in the midst of all of these scenarios.
Not everyone is called to marriage. But to those who are, ignore what the world would say about starting a family young. Living your life for your spouse and children is the best thing you could do for yourself. And remember the ending of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: “For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.” ★